Simply put. Getting out of bed for me is daunting task for me. It’s soooo hard. I wish it was because I was lazy or tired or because it’s Monday. Unfortunately it’s my depression. Let me give you an image of what my mornings look like when I get out of bed:
(Alarm goes off)
(Turned alarm off)
Sometimes if I am lucky, I can feel like this:
However, every morning I feel like a windup doll.
It’s annoying. I wish I didn’t have to feel this way in order for me to function. But it works…I guess. But I’d rather feel depressed than anxious. When I don’t get myself up early to prepare for work, I get really anxious which leaves me scatterbrained and can lead to panic attacks. I hate, hate, hate panic attacks! My attacks leave me with nausea, dizziness, hyperventilating, tingling in my hands… I don’t want to go to work and have my co-workers and my students to see me like that. Heck, today my depression kicked in. I wanted to work my other job, but I decided not to. I didn’t feel my best. I already felt horrible going to my main job. Though, I did manage to put on my “happy” mask today. I hate wearing masks when I go to work or interacting with people, but I don’t want people to see the real me. The vulnerable me. I always want people to see me happy and in my best everyday. I want to talk to my family and friends, but I feel like I would burden them. Then I want to talk to my employer and a few of my co-workers, but I am not sure I am willing to risk it.
Ever heard of a warmline? It’s wonderful line where you can talk to a mentor over the phone. Some lines are available all day, so whenever you feel bad you can call them. I talked to one of them and I felt a little better. Talking to someone helps reduce the anxiety of living with mental illness.