The transition from going from “mental” to “normal” has been a slow transition. But at least there is something happening. Over a year ago, my mental illness symptoms remained a mystery to me and affected my academic and social life. I felt like I didn’t have any control of what I was doing. I hated it. I could “see” myself blow a fuse for the most minute things and I’d feel stupid doing it. No matter how many times I’d say to myself “relax” it would never click with me. I felt like I had no control of my behavior. It has been 9 months since I have been diagnosed and I am so happy to put an end to the wondering, self-blaming and self-loathing. It explains why, for example why I got irritable at the most pettiest things, break down when stress arises, anxiety when there’s no need to be and why I feel lethargic no matter how much exercise or sleep I get. Although I finally have this closure, it also means I have to hold myself accountable for my recovery:
- Keeping up with my psychologist appointments
- Keeping up with my therapist appointments
- Taking my meds
Taking my medications has helped me see my symptoms. I can tell for example when I’m tired vs. I’m feeling depressed. And although I am still working on my anxieties, I feel I can be a little more proactive of my symptoms. Before I felt my anxieties and depression kept me on the sidelines of my own life. I am grateful for both my psychologist and my therapist for keeping me grounded and challenged on my journey to recovery. It has been hard finding someone who could help me to even start the journey. In college, I went to my school’s counseling center and talked to the therapist there. I told him for example ,how I got nervous all the time and how it causes me not to relax. My then therapist told me there was nothing wrong with me. It just my nerves. Trust me, it was more than just “nerves.”
I try to keep up with suggestions my therapist gives me to practice at home. I also try to make sure to take the medication my psychologist prescribe to me. I make sure that all these (and people) things are helping me and not worsening my state. Or keep me stagnate. I try to use charts like these to help me monitor my progress:
It also helps to journal your progress as well. I guess this [blogging] counts too.