Yeah, hey guys…what’s up? Sorry I’ve been M.I.A. I’ve just been so busy working sooooo much, dealing with finals and had to move out of my studio apartment. Yup…I moved out! It was getting too much for me to handle and the worse thing was I didn’t want to admit it. I enjoyed being in the comforts of my own home, because to tell you the truth I never felt I had a home to feel comfortable from.
Basically most of the first 18 years of my life were filled with domestic violence, poverty and unstable housing. The thought of having a place of my own as child was unthinkable. I mean while most of my peers were probably playing “grown up”, I was just trying to get through the hardships of home day by day. I felt the only time I felt like a kid was when I was at school, but because of the environment I grew up in, I was little out of place with my peers. I got taunted for it ( and sometimes weirdly enough in adulthood. Crazy right?) Thus making socializing with others even more painstakingly difficult. You go home you deal with crap; you leave your home, you deal with crap. I was at a stalemate! I didn’t have a “safe place” or a “friend” or “mentor” to help me.
Fortunately, now I am getting treated for the mental illnesses I have developed during my traumatic childhood.And also I have been blessed to have great mental health professionals for the past two years…I had do it on my own. And now I no longer had to. Then I was able get my own apartment… I felt this was the chance to recreate the environment I never had growing up. Hell the fact I was able to have a place of my own was even a bigger accomplishment! This was my safe haven from the stress of family, work…even life! I felt comfortable for once in my life! However when living on your own of course, freedom and independence come at a price.
Unfortunately, I started to unravel. I was burnt out, so I ended up not showing up to one of my other jobs and with another job I worked at I was written up. I started missing some of the deadline for my class assignments. I got more agitated and frustrated with each trip between home and school and each errand I was responsible for. My family thought my medication was doing this to me (they are really, really, really against me taking my medications), but it took awhile to convince them it was the amount of responsibilities I was undertaking. So my mom convinced me I should probably leave my place especially since I was running low on funds to pay the rent. Although I hated to admit it, I was in no position financially especially with my health to continue to finance my apartment.
It’s been about three weeks since my move into my family’s place and I have to admit, my anxiety and depression has gone down since I moved and school has been over (both for school and work). Although, I will be splitting the bills with my brother, it’s kind of cool to not have take the bills completely on my own.
If nothing else I took from living on my own is that I got to realize the dream of living on my own; something I never knew I could experience. I also learned that the environment you create is something you make of it—for better or worse. I was trooper as I a child and I tried not to let the hurt I experienced get the best of me. And look how awesome I turned out! I know one day, I will live on my own again and I will be in a better place with myself to pay my bills (without taking on so much work and school).