Always Keep Fighting 34

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Dating With Anxiety and Depression

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Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! I now have a boyfriend! Well…he’s my first boyfriend I have had in my whole life. Why? One, because I grew up in a domestic abusive household, Two.  guys these days (not all) are jerks. They are selfish, thoughtful, narcissistic, insecure, and dishonest. The last guy I dated was mad a me because I wasn’t sexually active. Really?! That’s why? I  was the one who had to put up with all the lies about his height (not that I care about height. The last guy I dated was 5 ft. This guy said he was 6ft when he was 5’5), disrespect my God, lost his social security card, lost his cell phone (who knows how many times), lacks hygiene, and worst of all lacks purpose! He didn’t even respect me! He was hoping I’d be sexuality active to give him some sexual pleasure! What the hell?! I was the one who got ripped off! Though I guess that’s what happens when you pursue online dating. He didn’t even read my damn profile! You’d think a guy would be happy that I would respect myself as a woman and as human being and be loyal to him! Well before I digress again…I left that fool. It was hard, but it had to be done.

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So, I let myself cool off while juggling school and work. But let me tell you something…. recovering from a “breakup”, on top of recovering from mental illness was difficult! It screwed me over for school and work! I mean I was forgetting things more frequently than usual, I felt more hopeless and more helpless, I was late to work, I was late turning in my assignments…. It was tough spring semester. I was beating myself up a lot on how I let a guy like than get into my life. I couldn’t love him, he couldn’t love me in turn….heck he didn’t love himself. I let myself tell him about my mental health, but didn’t really seem to get it. He just shook his head, because he “wanted” me in his life. So then I asked, myself why do I get wrapped up in guys like that?

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Throughout my years I thought I was hopeless and helpless and I’d be doomed to marry a guy like my dad. As the saying goes, “daughters “marry” their fathers.” Basically you marry a guy similar to your dad for better or for worse. And due the devastation I faced at home I showcased early signs of depression and anxiety: agitation, irritability, anxious, mood swings, sadness, lack of concentration, and I’d obsesses over stuff. A lot of people thought I was strange growing up, because I avoided people. But when I had friends, it never lasted long or they were jerks. So thinking, that I could ever get into  romantic relationship was out of the question. Though the ironic thing was that I had a LOOOOOT of admirers growing up, like a lot. However, because of the lack of friends I had, the unstable relationship between my mom and dad, and the unknown mental illnesses I had time, I declined most of them or straight up avoided them. Yeah it was that bad. I felt that if my dad couldn’t love my mom, how could any man love me? If I struggled making or keeping friends, how can maintain a friendship in the relationship? If people struggled accepting me, could he accept me? A lot of question such as those really clouded my mind. I wanted to be in a relationship, but I feared being in one too.

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In a world where people seem to date for the sake of dating, it was hard. That lifestyle is not for me. And I don’t like dating numerous people at once! Too overwhelming. I get to know the guy I am dating by talking to them, seeing how to treat others, talk about their families (my family is hot mess too, but I try to either talk about it in a respectable manner or don’t talk about it all), their ambitions, the kind of friends they have (you are who you hang out with)…And if I find the guy isn’t the one for me, I prefer staying out of the dating pool to collect and recover myself. I also didn’t want to date just because some guy ask me out. I wanted to be sure I was genuinely into him. I wanted to be the woman who was dating that one special man who was virtuous, responsible, and goal-oriented, but he was sweet, funny and smart.

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And amazingly I did meet a guy like that!  The guy I am seeing now was an ex co-worker I met many years ago and then we haven’t see each for about 5 years (?) till this month. Things for  years ago for the both of us were hard, but now we are in a better place with ourselves. You may think, how can I say that if I live with mental illness? Well, I can say that because I pursued recovery and Ia wanted my happiness. Of course, during my many sessions with psychiatrists and therapists they have all reminded me that in the recovery I will experiencing dips as well as accomplishments. The reminders they gave me, helped me to love and accept myself in myself. I grew more confident and patient with myself. You have to when all the time you brain reminds you how “worthless” you are. Having that helped me to pursue love in myself and in a relationship.

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Being with him has really helped me emotionally and psychologically and he has been very accepting with my mental illness. I feel like I can be more of myself and he is very encouraging in my endeavors. He respect my virtues. We have lots of fun together! And he always wants to help me whether it’s with cooking or carrying my groceries. All this to me is very surreal… I am used to dealing with things by myself (as being my the second head of the household and the oldest child) and doing with things on my own, so it’s weird…but I like it! I am very appreciative that I have him in my life! 🙂