Hey guys…it’s been awhile since I have written anything, but at I had a lot of things going in my academic, family, and financial life. It has taken a huge toll my health, especially in regards to depression. However, just this month alone was just horrible. I mean… I felt worthless, shameful, unmotivated to do pretty much anything. I have been hardly eating and I know this TMI but I haven’t been going on my period for awhile. Hey let me tell you, even the absence or duration of period can be an indication how much stress you are on. And trust me I am worried. I didn’t even have it last month. I am awfully scared you know. However at least you know I am seriously stressed lout.
I have just overcome a cold, but for the past two days I was sick it hit me at an inconvenient time. I have about two papers that are pretty much due next week and a group project at my school, “Charlotte’s Web”. Yet lately I have been trying to recover from the family that happened this month. This why I can’t stand drama, I am too sensitive to it. I mean family drama is different you know? It’s family. But drama, drama? Helllll no! I don’t tolerate drama queens or kings….they make so cause so much drama for no reason or even if there is, there’s one of those, “the means justify the ends” drama or if it’s due to insecure issues, I got no time time for that! So it’s why I am very picky people with people I allow in my life. I know everyone has baggage, but it’s the way they carry their load that either compels me to help them or stay away from them.
Right now, I am in a very delicate part of my life. I mean, because of the family drama dealt with about almost a month ago, led me to be tardy so many to my student teacher site. And to due that mess, has placed in a sort of academic probation where I can’t be late ever. But even so, that hard for me to do especially when trying to heal past the family issues and then you’ve got your corporation teacher and your school mentor breathing behind your back, hoping you won’t mess up. So I ended up quitting it and I am re-planning to take it next semester. Now it seems like quitting is like giving up, but it’s not.
Now I am sure you are wondering, “Ezi, you promote mental health awareness, yet why don’t you tell you school and your student teaching site about your mental health disorders?” For starters, I have done so in the past in my previous job and to one friend, but I ended up getting burned. And right now, I am trying to build my life and career and I really don’t have to energy to deal with the burns that may be inflicted on me, because of mental health. School and the pursuit of my credential degree helps me to get away from the stigma handed by me. I don’t need to be judged for my performance and mental health conduction at the same time. I can deal with the performance part of getting in my field, not mental health. I am trying to work hard to that I can be hired one day, buy better health coverage and then maybe one day….one day when my feet are safely secured in the field, then sure. But unless, I have been a teacher for 3 years or I am able to be on the same status as Kristen Bell or Jared Padalecki or Kid Cudi, then maybe I will be to do so. But oh, my gosh! I am digressing! Now on to the part as to why I quit my student teaching position.
Here are my reasons for why I decided to postpone my student teaching position: 1. Even if I did redeem myself, would my CT and my mentor still believe I am working hard to regain their trust? Look, while I understand you have to “work hard” to regain a person’s trust, how long is that going to be? I feel when people like you, they are willing to do anything to help you and/or forgiveness is possible. However, I feel if people are not “feeling” you or doubt you or just plain ol’ don’t like you, it’s harder to regain their trust and for them to help you. And right now I am feeling the latter and the hopelessness that comes with it. I need to stay focused and confident so I become the best teacher ever! 2. This is my chance to regroup myself. I need the time to get myself to get myself together mentally, psychologically and academically together. I need to give it all that I have got, because next semester will be my last chance to become a student teacher. 3. And 4. Working as a substitute teacher will not only help me build teaching presentation experience, but more money for me to save up till I my first day as a student teacher. 5. I need as much support as I can, even if that means I have to student teach somewhere else. The thing is…I miss the kids I worked with along my CT. I remember when I was nervous to meet them. I mean it’s a class of 32 kids, that’s the largest I have catered to. Eventually, the students and I got to know each other. For example, there was this one kid where he was a struggling reader, however he loved to read. Annnnd…he and I are both fans of Wishbone! His school library had a good collection of Wishbone series: classics, adventure and mystery. I used to have a good collection of the series, until my dad took them away from me. I have about 3 or 4 books left. So I let him borrow one my books, Wishbone classics: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He was so excited! He didn’t know anyone who would be into Wishbone and have another book of the series that his library didn’t have. With one young girl, she enjoyed my Harry Potter Spells app, because of my interest in Harry Potter. Little by little, I developed relationships with each one of them. In fact, when it became my turn to present an assignment to the class, they were quite respectful. I had a hard time, explaining the cross word activity and how their spelling words were involved, but they grew to understand and ended up loving it!
“Ms.O,” Said one student
“Yes,” I said
“Can we do it backwards?” He asked.
“Sure!” I said
“Yessssss!” The student said as they ran back to their seat.
“Hey Ms. O, can we do it going sideways?” Said another student
“Absolutely!” I said agreeably.
“Yeaaaa!” she said excitedly.
The purpose of the crossword activity was so they can learn how to identify words and practice spelling (in order to know how many boxes they needed for the word). I was so happy they were having a good time with it, especially on their down time!
Unfortunately, because of my many, many tardies and the “academic probation” I was placed on, I decided to leave. I need to save my reputation and recover from the stresses of the weeks before. But….I would miss my kids. I would miss helping them and laughing with them…why? Why couldn’t I be better student-teacher? Why did I have to let my family drama affect me? Why did I have to live with mental illness? I should be able to be on the same level of my colleagues? Dammit!
So on the last day, I told the kids that I was leaving. And the response from the kids was overwhelming! All of them were protesting against my departure, standing up from their seats with their sad, disappointed faces. Just writing about this moment makes me tear up. I never knew how much I meant to kids.
“I wanted to just leave, because I hate saying “good-byes”. There’s nothing good about saying “good-bye” to a good thing. But I knew I couldn’t just do that to you guys…leave you guys hanging. It wouldn’t be fair to you guys.” I lamented.
“Okay then,” Said the cooperative teacher “Let’s say “See ya later!”
“See ya later!” The class said
“We’re going to miss you Ms. O!” Said one student. Then the thing I knew all the kids came to give me a hug, but there were so many that I ended up give them a great big group hug! Some of the kids hugged me two or three more times, including the little boy who liked Wishbone.
“I’m going to miss you” He said as he was holding in his tears. His face looked so sad. I then realized I let him borrow my Wishbone book. Usually I am not very fond of giving my books away, because they have such sentimental value to me. Not to mention, Wishbone books are rare. But this time, I gave a book (a rare one at that) that was special to me to this awesome kid. I am trying not to cry as I write this.
Before the boy could even reach into his desk to get the book out, I told him, “Keep it. Besides, you need to know what happens next in the story, right?”
He was so astonished because of how he knows it’s my book and also it’s a rare book. He gave me another hug and said, “Thank you, Ms. O. I’ll miss you.”
But I told him I needed my Wishbone bookmark back. I let him borrow it previously, to allow him to enjoy him using it while reading book. Dude…that was hard. I mean…I only spent three weeks with them and I already made bond with them. The rest of the week, I was drowning in my sorrows with even more sleepless nights that let to headaches.
I can’t let this happen again. I tired of building bonds with kids that I can stay with for a short amount of time. I wanna work hard to become a teacher so I can continue to create bonds and bring out the best out of them. I mean, I still remember the teacher’s aide that help me believe in myself, waaaaay back in preschool. See back then I have always wanted to get the “Busy Bee” award, because it looked so cool and everyone seemed to received the reward except me. Upon me crying about this, she said to me one time, “If you work hard, you can get anything you want.”
“Anything?” I said hopefully.
“Anything.” She said confidently. I have lived by her words ever since and helped push me when I want to give up. I want to have the same impact on a child, the same way the aide was to me. That’s why I want to be a teacher and this is why I work hard every day to battle my anxiety and depression.