Overcoming the Past Memory of Being Sexually Assaulted

Every now and then, I’d get flashbacks on day when I was assaulted. I get so pissed off on how I was taken advantage of via manipulation. So it wasn’t just my body was assaulted, my mind. I feel grossed out every time when his face comes up. He took advantage of kindness and my trust in him, after the many days I have been talking to him via a dating site and over the phone… It was just a facade for me to lower my guard and heighten my trust in him. So when “it” happened I felt confused and found the situation quite surreal. I have never allowed a man to touch me, until…that time. I mean…he did so quick and effortless and although I never experienced what it’s like to have a penis/hand inside me, my body knew something wasn’t right. Hell… talking to him wasn’t right.  He went from this sweet guy who call me every now and joke around with me to this other guy who thought the U.S. needed dictatorship, how “my pussy” as he called it, was no different than every other girl he has been with and man…he gave his baby mama such disrespect, just because she doesn’t allow him to see his son often. And also, the “heartbreak” he experienced with girl he dated for 3 years, but asked her to do something unnerving.

Now your wondering why I said he “assaulted” me. Well, for one is much, much easier than saying “rape”. It’s already hard enough to know your were violated, but to call it “rape”…yeah, that’s just too far me. One feeling at a time please. Speaking of violating, this led to number 2: I said “no”. Not “maybe”, not “we’ll see”… “no”. He violated my request after I told him when were making out that I did not want to engage in sex. I told him a number of times, but he did not listen. He was telling me how “I wanted it” and “that I needed it”, when really it was him wanted from me. That was the point. He didn’t want to take ownership of what he really wanted, since I had to say “yes” in order for him infiltrate my body. And then he was done, he then said it was him, not me for having this happen and that he really wasnt really looking into a relationship. For real??? I was just baffled…I mean did that mean he know that he was deceiving me? I thought so…I guess. What he said was basically bullcrap to keep me “under” his leash because he knew what kind of person I was (according to my dating profile and the conversations I have had with him). That as long as he took “ownership” of his actions and apologize, I would still accept him. And I did. That kept happening until, I just stopped because he said that he had dozens of girls to choose from. Really???

Now look…what just happened was not my fault.  Why should I be blamed because I was looking for a relationship? Why should I be blamed because I want to be good to others? I should not be punished because of who I am as a person. He used my qualities and good nature against me. And thought of him having doing so disgusts me. I mean, he was “practically” in my mind. It was only because I knew myself worth after the crap saying he had other women in mind to be with.I feel like now days I am trying to “re-patch the holes” in my mind, by building a better sense of self and overcoming that guy assaulting me. The experience is still unnerving.

 

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