I made to 2017! Happy New Year y’all! I’m telling you, this year is going to be a great year. You know why? ‘Cause I said so, that’s why! Last year, was a massive (pardon my French) a crapshoot. I am not just saying that because we lost a lot of well beloved people, but speaking for myself, it was bad. I mean, I was sexually assaulted from the beginning of the year…actually month before new year thinking about it. And you know something? I was still sexually assaulted.But still, to have someone you know manipulate you into thinking why you should have sex, even after you gave the “no” go on sex, he still thought it was okay to take advantage of me. If you think that it’s not possible to be manipulated, is it especially when you’re looking for love and you’re looking for a long term relationship. If you met this guy, you’d be like “Really Ezi? Really???” I met this guy online and he gave me practically everything I wanted in a man, but it was a lie to see if he could get in my pants, which basically did. Despite the hundreds of times I told him, “no”, he didn’t respect my wishes. I told him I would make out, but I would NOT have sex with him.However kept insisting I wanted to have sex, when he was the one who wanted it. Then after he had his way with me, he had the nerve to say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not looking for a long term relationship. My heart is closed, because of the hurt I’ve gone through” and he went on about about he hurt his last girlfriend of three years and girls who ran out him—which now I know why. Everything about that day was ALLLLLLL about him. Can you believe it?! So when dating, especially for women, look out for these narcissistic creeps. Don’t think you can help them and think like the guy I met online, you can because you’ll just get caught in his web of lies and then the next thing you know, your stuck, until you summon the strength to leave. And when you do leave, don’t tell them you are leaving and if he makes some sort of excuse for you to stay, keep walking. Even if you have to run, run. When I left the guy, I didn’t even bother to tell him I was leaving. I just told him I was going to give the keyboard piano he gave me (I wanted to learn how to play the piano again). He did eventually know I was leaving, but I didn’t bother to say good-bye, nothing. I knew if I opened my mouth anymore, he’d just take take my words and use it to manipulate me even further. So girls leave. Trust your gut. However, if you choose to do online dating, although this next step is still hard to execute, do your best to be careful. Don’t be caught up on what looks “good on paper”. See whoever you choose to date for who they are. You have to be careful. There could be sexual assault perpetrators/rapist out there, taking advantage of women who are looking for love, who are looking forward to date or even date again. They know how women work and they know how to work it for their advantage. Sexual assault can happen to any woman, no matter how smart she is, how successful she is, how determined to succeed she is, how humble she is, how funny she is, how wonderful she is, how beautiful she is, how…average looking she is…To take any of those qualities you possess for granted would be a terrible mistake. That doesn’t mean if you do, it’s your fault for getting raped/sexually assaulted, but we as women must do our best to make sure that no man or even woman hurt us. We live in a dangerous world.
Yeah, so I have been struggling with this event, because at the time, I didn’t know what to make about that. I felt he was just a “jerk”, but every now then, my mind would go into these flashbacks reflecting on what I experienced with him. But I would always push those memories back, because like the guy I said, “I wanted it”. This went on and on as well as the debates I had with myself in my head: “What do you mean, “You wanted it”?! These are lies! This isn’t you! This isn’t us! You love, “love” and you said yourself that you are saving yourself for a guy who is worth it and at the end of it all, still loves and respects you. He took what you felt about love, ignored it and shoved it up your ass. And he also literally did that. He didn’t respect your declination to not have sex. He disrespected you and your body. He hurt us. It is not your fault. The fault is his.” After that “conversation”, I broke. I had already been living with depression, but how this guy treated me made it even worse (but again I didn’t know why until much later). I would be coming back from my break late to work, because my depression caused immense exhaustion, fatigue…. I would get so stressed, that I would throw up. It was very bad. I was then transferred to another school due my ever increasing mental illness. I stopped attending my second job and eventually I lost my apartment.
I ended up resorting to live again at my family’s home. A place that was suppose to be home didn’t feel like it. I know I promised my family I’d find work, but I unfortunately I couldn’t. And that didn’t help my depression. It just made it really, really bad. My family was mad at me, because I couldn’t find a job and they felt like my mental illnesses were just “excuses”. A lot of fights ensued between me and my family. Then it was Fall semester. This was the semester where not only would I be taking classes, but become a student teacher at a given school site. The unfortunate thing was
a. I had to leave my two jobs
b. Due to anxiety, I spent most of my loan money. Yes, I spent them on reasonable things (I am serious when I say this) like my text books or new jeans, because the ones I had ripped, but still they could have been broken up over the past few months.
That upset my family even further and more fights ensued between me and them. It was horrible so much so that it forced me to leave, because:
- Because of my stress level was so high, I was late to my school. Which did looked bad for me.
- I was going to be on probation, because I was late in a short amount of time.
And because I no longer a student teacher, I still needed to find a school to use for my other two classes, because they relied on that experience. So I spent weeks looking for a class, which I eventually found, but by the time I found one, it was pretty much the end of the semester and I gave it everything I got. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the passing grades I wanted.
So now you know why I said 2016 was a crap shoot year. Just one thing after the another. As of right now, I am taking a semester off from school so I can be not only financially stable, but emotionally as well. I need to get myself centered enough to deal with my mental illness again, especially after the assault. I never gave the time to truly grieve after that moment. Heck, it wasn’t too long ago I accepted what happened. Then once I did with the encouragement of my brother he told me to get a HIV/AIDS and STI Test. Fortunately for me after the many months of the incident, I was negative for those diseases.
But there were a few good moments. I was able to meet and get my boyfriend. We knew each other back a couple years ago, because we worked in the same restaurant. Though the next thing I knew we were talking over Facebook, met each other in person, and it almost been like what? Going to six months in three days. He’s the first boyfriend I have ever had and I am glad he happened to be that guy, because he was been very sweet and kind to me which was at first came as a shock to me, because it was weird a guy would be this good to me. Heck could any guy? I mean it wasn’t that long ago I was sexually assault and for about 18 years of my life, I lived in a domestic abusive household. So, you should get the the gist. I had to basically trust my feelings, because my heart well gets me into the trouble and my brain well…it gets into anxious mode. Once that happens, brain basically tells me to trust my feelings, because it was already overwhelmed with what was going on between me, the guy and experience I lived through and it knew it couldn’t be of much help now. So, yeah. Also, I am so happy that my brother accepted what happened to me. I think it was something easier to grasp (more or less) than just telling him I was suffering from depression and anxiety. It was tangible, it made sense…it made sense as to why people especially why sexual assault survivors become depressed and anxious. My lil’ bro is always worried about me because he’s afraid I’m too “nieve” or “clueless” especially about the dating world and that I would get hurt. But at the end, I am glad he didn’t judge me. He didn’t know what to say about it and I wouldn’t blame him, because I couldn’t either. The fact that my brother cared about me and cared enough to recommend me to get HIV/AIDS and STI testing meant a lot to me. Even my boyfriend was worried about me and how could the event escalate if I decided to take the guy to court. He was also worried that he might say something to trigger the events. I am so lucky to have these two guys in my life!
This year is going to better. I don’t know how, but it will. I will be on track and hopefully accomplish more things.