Me to the “T”! Throughout my life even now, showing people that I wanted their friendship wasn’t easy for me. Sometimes, I would end up talking about video games or movies minutes at a time. People would make fun of me for that. However if they looked deeper, it was my way of wanting to connect with them. I just didn’t know how without coming up with several ways how to approach people for their companionship. But while there were those who rejected my friendship, there was those who sought for it. Unfortunately due to my anxiety, the more I related with them, the more exhausted I became. Not because my friends were exhausting, but that it takes a LOT out of me to relate and I am analyzing the happiness I feel among my peers and the happiness they feel about being with me. Anxiety disorders can do that to you. Man they are a doozy. I often need time recharge, sometimes A LOT of time in order to do so. My reclusiveness from spending time with my friends would often be misunderstood as being “flaky” or that I didn’t want to spend time with them, which was NOT the problem. I WANT to spend time with them and ironically, because I know this, I become even more depressed therefore I become MORE withdrawn from them. It’s a HORRIBLE cycle, especially when I know I LOVE to social and be among my friends, the ones that actually want to be my friends. I need my friends to know that I DO want to hangout with them, that I DO want relate with them and I DO value their companionship. There will just be times I won’t be able to because my anxiety can sometimes be debilitating. However, I may need their help whether it may be checking up on me in person or over the phone or text. I can’t fight my anxiety and depression on my own. The Good Lord knows I have tried and tried and that no amount of “will power” can get me past depression and anxiety. I am the type of person who loves hard, works hard, and fights hard…plays hard… but even for someone like me I will have my down days. I will need help. I need people who can will me remind me who I am, when I am in depths of despair. Yeah…it can get THAT bad. However, I am the type of person who rewards people with my friendship, because of how others have rewarded me with theirs. Dude… my boyfriend is amazing because of how he has been there for me when I am not all there while facing depression and anxiety. I am grateful for his companionship and due to his companionship, it has been helping me get better little by little everyday. I am so happy. I have a deep love for people, but even a deeper love for those who been there for me during my ups and downs. Especially, when I have been gone a few months or even years at a time. To those people who know they are and I thank them (especially when they did not know I had depression and anxiety).
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