February…

Geez…this past month…crazy. I don’t know where to begin… I had a horrible sinus infection/bronchitis for three weeks! In fact, I didn’t know about it till much later on. If I had waited too long, I might have had Pneumonia! Actually…if it wasn’t for my boyfriend and his dad pushing me to see a doctor, I wouldn’t have got the medication to get rid of it.. In actuality, I hate taking medication, but because I want be able to function in my day-to-day life, I have to take my anti-depressants. Though I hope one day, I can be off it for good. Anyways, I am happy that I am much better.

Speaking of my boyfriend… I am currently living with him and his family. I Why? As it turned out my family, my brother kick me out. They felt I was a “freeloader,” because I wasn’t doing “anything” useful to help them. This wasn’t fair considering:

  • I have been working, but unfortunately due to my depression, I have been feeling like crap and the fear of getting into a panic attack like at my second job (as a busser) is still alive and well in my head. I NEVER wanna there
  • I am still moving past the sexual assault. It’s been hard. In fact, I still have dreams about my assaulter and how he coerced me. Worst part is my sexual assaulter lives in the same city as my boyfriend and his family.
  • I have done EVERYTHING for my family since I was 18, cutting class early so I could take my mom to her surgeries and other doctor appointments. And these appointments were—let me tell you—distant. I had to basically become a parent to take of my siblings.  My sister, I had to drive a distance to pick her up from college, so she could comeback to work at a job site that we both worked out. My brother….
  • I can’t believe my brother kicked me out! After everything I have done for him! I helped to prepare him for college, deal with his girl problems, attend his track meets, attend teacher-parent conferences, PTA meetings and school events. These were things my mom and dad were suppose to do, but I had to it.

In short, I felt betrayed by the family. I never asked them for much, but to be appreciated and respected. It hurts like hell.  I’ve always had trust issues (due to the people my brought in our lives and them themselves), but this was like on a whole ‘nother level…now. Like I don’t have enough anxiety as it to make friends already. I went to hell and back to hell and out and then….this?! My mom…my mom was my heart. I always remembered and appreciated how my mom would make sure me and my siblings had a good meal, clothes and a roof over our heads and I as I grew up, I started to emulate her. She always said she would be there to help me. But now… mom now says I’m a “freeloader”. Who whoulda thunk my mom would say that to me. After being married to my dad, I thought she’d know what bum actually was.  Because of the negative things she has said to me, I haven’t even told her about my assault.

Another example there was a church my and I use to attend. But unfortunately, do to my mom’s health, we couldn’t take care of the bills anymore. Even though I had to get the job, the church volunteered to help me and my family. However, as things got harder for us, the church started to act like jerks. Me and family wanted to get a job, but not a single one helped get me and family get a job even with the connections they had. But at the same time, they were tired of helping us *rolls eyes*. I feel the reason was because they didn’t want us to leave (yet not help us get better jobs). If we did church attendance would drop and it wouldn’t look on them.. My boyfriend said to me once that he felt that I wasn’t appreciating what he and his family have been doing for me.  The thing is I have. It’s just I’m tired of people claiming they’re “helping me” yet it seems to be done out of ego or way to save a seat in heaven or as “strings attached” deal or ulterior motive or well…something.

The thing is…I want people to help—in this case—me, because it’s what they want to do. Because they see me for who I am and not who they want me to be for them; they are not trying to change me, but better me. They want me to be my best self and encourage and/or help me pursue my dreams. For once, I wanna feel safe, secure, and be reassured that the people who say they care about me really do care about me.

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