Changes…

Right now things have been changing in my life… For starters, I will be moving out of my ex's family's place and will be moving in with a girl and her family. I know from one family into another right? But hey…sign of the times. You can't afford a  $1200 studio, but you can only afford to rent a room for $600.  Luckily though my Ex's mother has been helping me, look because I struggling to find good room to rent with decent people and I was finding weirdos via Craig's List. Oi. I just want to find a place to sleep after Uber-ing, going to school and doing student teaching. And most importantly, will not aggravate my already existing  chronic anxiety and depression.  I understand that no place is perfect and everyone has baggage, but I just wanna be in a place where the baggage is trying to be under controlled by the people living there. I got my own already. There was this one place I saw on Craig's List and it said that it would be catered to students and they wanted someone mature and who was clean. But when I got in contact with them, apparently they had someone living with them was the complete opposite and apparently causing hell on earth for them at home. Yeah…. So anyways, this person I will be moving with will not be like that.

Am I excited about the changes? Ehhhh… Being one who lives with anxiety….no. I went from adjusting from one family's way of living from now having to adjust to another family's way of living. Though some how I have a feeling good things may come from living with the family I'm moving into. Perhaps, because I learned how live with my ex and his family. Living with the EX part especially. It was excruciatingly hard because I still loved him (I still do) and it was hard not being loved by him anymore. Yes, we are good friends now. At first it was hard…not just for me, but for him too. Having an EX live in your house…talk about AWKWARD. He'd avoid being near me, sitting near me….I was still greatly upset about how left me and also on how he had doubted my character, especially living with mental illness.

As disappointed and heartbroken as I was, I had to move on. Though it was strange….I still loved him in spite of what happened between us. However, I had to live with him and his family in peace (not just because I needed a place to stay). Not to mention in my heart, I didn't feel it was in a sense…completely over between us and his family. There was still good, just now things would be on hold and we need to (especially the both of us) find ourselves again as even he mentioned himself.

I found myself still praying to God to give me the strength to move past to hurt and continue to love him even though I could no longer do it romantically. And that sucked sooo bad! He himself was always saying, "I hope you still don't have feelings for me." Although I said no, they were still there, just underlock down. I am the type of person to have huge feelings for those I love whether romantically or platonically and to just  not or have someone one to tell you to basically, "drop it" just brakes my heart, you know? Especially knowing me, once I do, I will completely move on. No turning back. With my ex, I don't wanna do that just yet I feel.

Though while working myself and working for Uber, he came to be a friend again like we began last year and he talks to me more. Perhaps also seeing me carry myself well in his house despite the demise of romantic relationship has also made respect me more. But now with Uber not doing so well, (in terms of it not being busy in our hometown and its neighboring cities) he's feeling "blah" right now. But at least we are still talking. I am still amazed by that. I was hoping he wasn't just calling me a "friend" just to "throw me a bone" or cause he looking into/dating a girl ( I don't think so, but still…It's just so weird.  I'm jealous of just thought of that, especially since he says although he isn't into any even though he has girl-friends. But my crazy self is still freakin out. Ugh! Haven't been this way before. First boyfriend, first Ex, so this is all just sooo new.). I just hope we'll still be in good contact after I leave.

Then lately I've been attending Celebrate Recovery at my church. It's not just for those who have drug and/or alcohol dependency, but for those who have "hurts, habits and hang up". I've been to one in a previous church, but this one is much better! It's more community based and we actually go over the four books:

#1: Stepping Out of Denial Into God's Grace

#2: Taking an Honest and Spiritual Inventory

#3 Getting Right with God Yourself and Others

#4 Growing in Christ While Helping Others

I have been learning a lot and it's also helped me open up more with my mom, sister and my ex, especially about the sexual assault that happened to me. In addition to the CBT therapy I've done in the past as well as taking medication, having a Christ centered recovery group as helped me. My mom was surprised I told her and to my surprise she was very supportive. I thought she was going to blame me and say "I was at fault"…but she didn't. She understood the shame was what held me from telling her what happened.My ex who when we were together knew I was keeping something from him. However, even though I told him about what happened, I never told him the shame I felt. I already felt vulnerable with the kicking out from my family's place, living in his place, being sick as well as dealing with such high levels of depression and anxiety from all that has happened I didn't want him to think less of me and/or leave me… But when I told him (much after we broke up) he seemed to understand and I understood why he asked if I was hiding anything from him. But back then, earlier this year was just a whirlwind of problems.

Although I am happy things are mending and moving on, I can't help but to worry. I have lost a lot this year, since last actually and I'm afraid of any more changes especially when school resumes by the end of next month. I am scared. I just feel when I am so close to getting so good and/or I am in a happy place, I lose again. I lost my love, I lost my studio, lost the relationship with my brother, I am afraid to lose again. So once again I am excited about the changes that approach me? To be honest, I'm really not sure.

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