To be honest, asking for help has been the hardest thing for me to do, only because I fear of being a burden to people I hold dear. Or the fear of exposing my vulnerabilities only to be more vulnerable. Whenever I talk to people, I always find myself overthinking of what to say and how to say it or when to say it or who to say it to. Then if I have said something, I then find myself wondering if I said too much or if I have projected myself in the wrong light…. It’s so exhausting to think about.
My friend has been gracious enough to be there for me that I have found it unreal. Although I do fear of coming off as a “drama queen” or “being clingy”, but he seems to be quite understand and open to my anxieties. I know I have to do this with others. For example, I have a good group of people I’ve befriended at “Celebrate Recovery”. In my heart of hearts, I want to befriend them, but I’m scared if the closer I get with them…will they harm me outside “Celebrate Recovery”, because whatever is said inside it, stays inside…. so I do worry about what happens if we do continue our comments on the outside.
I know…I’m so negative…thinking about about all the worst possibilities in order to be prepared for the worst, because there’s nothing like not being prepared. It’s not like I like being this way…I don’t….everything is either “black or white” or disbelieving that even when the best things happen, I don’t believe that it IS actually happening. It’s hard to accept things or even people (for the better or worse) as they are or to be in the moment, because you’re thinking in the past, present, and future…actually…more of the past and future than the present, but you get what I’m saying right? Yeah…anxiety disorders and depressive disorders are the worst when it comes to distorting your ability to reasons with situations and relationships…it’s sooooo annoying. It can make the most sensible, personable people, into the most unreasonable people and in the times we’re in now, you can’t afford to lick your emotional and/or psychological wounds. And that’s why (bringing it back) you and I need good friends to get through these times.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” —Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
I have been fortunate to have people in my life nowdays who want to help me in my times in hardships. And as I should, I should take their up their friendship. You know what… now that I’ve thought about it…I’ve never thought of Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 before (although I’ve read that scripture like a dozen times), but I’d rather take up a person’s offer friendship than a person’s offer of pity any day of the week.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”–Proverbs 17:17
This year…holy macaroni…has been just a whirlwind of….what’s the best word to use…crap? It’s just been a mess, one including the break up with my former boyfriend who is my friend right now. However, we’ve dealt with a lot of crap with our lives, with each other….oi, but through and through we’ve helped encourage one another make it in this crazy thing called life. And because we’ve had and we’ve been learning to accept one another—the worst and better part of ourselves—we’re not just afraid to reveal our weaknesses, but to take on each other’s weaknesses as well.
The ladies too I’ve been beginning to befriend at “Celebrate Recovery”…we’ve laughed and cried at each other’s faults, with no sort of judgement of how our life is “not as bad” as the other or how we “should” handle our situation or what we’ve “should’ve” done. I mean sure majority are older than me, but I’ve never met people this welcoming before…I mean they actually don’t mind me calling to talk to me about my problems…it’s surreal!
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”–Proverbs 27:17
On Christmas Day after watching “The Last Jedi”, me and my friend were talking and I was telling him about my distresses and upset that I might be burdening him. He then told me, that it was okay that I come to him about my problems, because I have always been there for his. He said that if it wasn’t for me encouraging him to not give up on his studies to become a forensic scientist, he would have gave it up altogether. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to land any forensic scientist jobs so he’s been feeling a bit forlorn lately. Fortunately, he like me has one more semester left.
When he told me this, I was very surprised that I kept him going in his endeavors. I felt encouraged by this, because I didn’t know I’d have that affect on someone…at least someone outside my family. Then the ladies at “Celebrate Recovery” have been very supportive too. We’ve been very supportive to each other: letting each other cry and letting each other laugh….noone’s story is too big or little to deserve support from one another.
In conclusion, especially going into the new year, I want to be able to allow myself to ask to help from my friends. I mean, apparently I’ve been showing kindness to others when they weren’t asking for it; it’s time I’ve been receiving kindness from others when I haven’t been asking for it either.