Since I was small I have tried to be kind to others, listen to others, help someone else… and for every time I did people would just assume that my life was “perfect” because I was nice to others. It’s sad when kindness is equated to either meaning one has been living a good life or if the kindness shown because is done out of bad intentions. But the thing is…why can’t kindness be done just BECAUSE? Why can’t kindness be done because you’ve NEVER been shown that and you want to be able to show someone else? Why does there have to be an elaborate reason for it? Sometimes I don’t get people sometimes.
I have listened to people’s feeling when they are sad, because I know what it’s like to have people ignore my need for their help. I don’t give kindness, because I “know” how to give it, because to be honest…I don’t know if I’m even doing it right. I just see how I’ve been mistreated and how my feelings have been discounted and try to do the opposite of that towards others (even if that person is being an asshole). For example, what’s the example of selfishness? Selflessness. What’s the opposite of belittling? Encouragement.
I have been told every now and then, that people don’t know how to love. But yet it feels to me, that people think I know how. Pssh! Like hell I do. If people have seen how I’ve lived through—domestic violence, homelessness, children’s home, sexual assault/rape—I’m sure people will wonder how I still manage to smile. Well the thing is, I’ve lived with this mantra (although I never how to put it in my own words till now): “Just because my life sucks, doesn’t mean I have to.” Don’t get me wrong, I have cried, angry…hell…it’s the reason why I live with General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. It’s just I try not leave my heart on my sleeve. Though there are some people who are assholes…like they have everything I’ve ever wanted…two happily married parents, a house, they’ve in since they were born, a big family, and a safe homily environment. But yet, holy crap they’re complete jerks! Parents who tolerated their whining and complaint or their bad behavior or parents who help keep a roof over their head while they’re figuring themselves out….And yet…. “Oh the reason why I’m like this was because my last girlfriend left me” or “The reason why I’m like this is because I live in a worse place than you (Yeah, well they don’t know my story, because why waste time telling it them? They are already an unreasonable jerk).” And while granted while what they are facing is difficult, that’s not an excuse! Our circumstances do not define us or our future. As long as we live in this world, we will face pretty unfair trials that we don’t deserve, but should try to keep putting our best foot forward.
I don’t know how to love…I’d be lying if I said I did. Remember…I’m just doing the opposite of what I think I should be doing. Because let me tell you, there have been times even with all my good intentions I’ve messed up, because I didn’t assess the situation or the person or that it was simply the wrong time and/or place to conduct the good deed. So, what I’ve learned from all that, is I can’t just merely do the opposite of doing the wrong deeds…I have to be aware of the situation I’m in.
Regardless, I see practicing kindness as a strength NOT a weakness. It means you are willing to look past your own pains and hurts to help someone else. Although that doesn’t mean I won’t be pissed the hell off if someone takes advantage of me, because I will. But at the end I practice kindness, because it what the world needs…it’s what I need.