Day: July 24, 2018

Post-Test Anxiety

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This is me basically waiting for Friday to come to see my test results

I’ve been really, really worried about how I performed on my RICA exam since I took it nearly 2 weeks ago. I mean…this test is for me is a make or break moment. Next week will be my last day living in the dorms so I have to find a shelter to live in. If I pass my RICA, I don’t have to worry about living in a shelter for a long time (or at least go from one shelter to another) because God help me, I will have found an affordable 1 bedroom apartment. I’m done roommating. Just absolutely done! Thankfully my last roommate wasn’t bad like the last ones I had, but I don’t want another roommate. I can’t guarantee I’ll be fortunate to have another great roommate. In addition, some shelters may require me to live in a bedroom with 12 other people and I’m not comfortable about that, especially with my anxiety. And then on top of that, I just did an interview for a charter school last week and although I contacted them, I haven’t heard back.

I believed I did well on the test. I mean…I understood what most of the 70 questions were asking me. And man, it felt like I had superpowers! I’ve been reviewing my flashcards for the test front and back; both its definitions and its terms. And while the test did not have the terms and definitions said verbatim, I could recognize them by how the questions were asked. Then I had 5 essay questions; 3 were short essays, 1 was a medium essay and the last one was a long essay. I didn’t have time to complete the medium essay, but I put in the main answers down. I hope the essay graders will go easy on me!

Ugh! I’m trying so hard not have an ulcer right now. And I’m trying so hard to not stress out also because my back has been hurting so much the past week. I have a herniated back, so anxiety, the weather, standing or sitting too long and having the period can hurt me. I’ve done the best I can to help myself prepare for success and as of right now, I’m out of cards to play, because I hedged most my bets on passing this RICA  so I can start my life. And starting my life means I’ll have more means to reducing and managing my anxiety and depression. Living day by day, with no job, is just the worse right now. While I’m hoping I’ll get a part time job, I’m really hoping I will have seen that I’ve passed both the multiple choice and the essays. I can’t afford to either pass one and fail the other or have failed both. I mean I can take the test again, but it costs a lot.

To take this test costs $170 and I was fortunate that my professor was nice enough to pay for my test, I don’t want to disappoint her thinking she wasted her money on me. I’m scared of disappointing her. Then even if I end up paying for the test again, it may take me awhile to make up the money on my own.

In the end, while I feel that I may have passed the test, there’s a big part of me preparing for the worse. In fact, that’s the reason I’m writing and posting right this now.

Podcasts For Minority Health

Can’t believe the Minority Mental Health Awareness Month is almost over! But it is almost done, taking care of our health should not end in this month, but every month should be minority mental health month! Just like we take the time to take care of our bodies, we should take care of our minds as well. Think about it, with out taking care of your mental health would be hard to function in your social and work life.

Below are the various mental health podcast hosted by minorities. I’ve listened a couple of them myself like “Therapy for Black Girls”. I wish there were more for other minority groups such as Asian and Hispanic communities. Let’s face it, in minority communities its not talked about and as seen as a sign of weakness. Also why I’d like there to be more podcast for minorities is due to lack of psychologists/therapists of color. While yes there’s work and social life can cause or worsen mental health, but there’s culture involved too. That’s why for me although I don’t have a therapist of color, I like listening to podcasts like the ones shown below. However, for those who don’t have a therapist, these podcasts don’t count as “therapy sessions” for the content disclosed here is spoken in a general nature. In addition, the therapies or mental health activities may not be a good fit for you, so its best to find a psychologist or therapist. All in all, such podcasts are fun, informative and at times relatable. These podcasts can be found in either itunes, google play or any other format you use to listen or by simply going to their website.

Anxiety and Depression Fatigue Described Through Hogwarts Mystery

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I don’t know if you like Harry Potter like myself, but there is a game that has been released since April this year for both Android and iPhone phones called “Hogwarts Mystery.” To give you a quick synopsis of the game, the setting of the game takes place around the late 80s (so no Harry, Ron, & Hermoine) where your character gets accepted into Hogwarts. However upon that you learn that your brother was involved in something that could have led to his disappearance. So you use the opportunity in Hogwarts to reveal the reason behind his disappearance.

You will meet familiar characters from the beloved book series, while meeting new characters too. You learn new spells and skills while attending classes, take part in duels, make new friends and of course discover clues pertaining your brother disappearance. Do you find your brother? Well, guess your gonna have to find out. Well…I do at least.

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Proud Ravenclaw!

Since the release of this game, there has been numerous complaints about the gameplay. Me included. This isn’t even including the technological aspect of the game. For starters, when you begin the game, you don’t even get your pets, you pick your house—yes, I said it…you PICK your house. What the hell man??? But I just stuck with the house I found I belonged to after going to Pottermore…Ravenclaaaaw!

In the game the coins aren’t even referred as galleons…they’re just coins! Oh wait… there’s more! You don’t even really even use them to buy pets or some other cooler clothes (the selection is horrible. I know it’s the game, but come on…)…you have to use gems. These gems are hardly ever given the game and when they are given it’s usually when you finished one task (say out 3 or something) or when you the house cup or when you level up your friends. The worse thing though is if you want to replenish your energy (this depends on if let’s say, for example, you have an wand energy level of 33) right a way, you might have to spend a hefty amount of gems to replenish your energy.

Yeah…you can use money to buy gems, but doesn’t seem lame to use real currency just to buy fake currency??? Like for example if you wanna get 575 gems, you have to pay (in U.S. dollars) $19.99. Are you freakin’ kidding me??? That could be used to help put gas in your car, buy food, get your nails done…something a little more useful. However, if you DON’T want to spend real money to buy gems, you can wait for it to recharge. The thing is for each energy you use up, it takes about 4 minutes to get each one back. So say again you have 0 out of 33 energy left, take 1 back, you have to wait like 4 minutes. So, you have to find something do in the mean time in real life to make the time pass. I’m currently doing that now. I’m currently in year 3.

Whenever, I’m in a class, for example in the picture below, flying class, I find myself, having to choose my energy wisely.

You get your energy from tapping on the character or item outlined in blue (it can include yourself too). Depending on which character or item you tap, it displays an action you’re doing toward the character or what you’re doing in general. It also tells you how much energy is required to perform that action. For example, in that same picture, it will require 2 energy…balls, to “Ignore Merula”. Merula is this b***h (I seriously hated how she treated me when I first played this game), who is suppose to be the Malfoy of “Hogwarts Mystery” game.

Huh…to” roll your eyes” requires 2 energy points

As I continue playing the game, I found it funny, because it reminded me of how I feel when I’m anxious or depressed. For each action or conversation I engage in, I get tired! I need to wait awhile to get my energy to take part in my life.  Each time I participate in my life, doing so takes a little bit of energy out of me and then I find myself waiting–say an hour after texting a friend for 15 minutes or cooking or applying for jobs thus making take a long time to recover.   This what I think it would look like:

Energy level: 50

Talking to friends: 15

Working on applications: 30

Cooking: 10

Then to even get 1 energy level back, each one would take 10 minutes. I think that sounds about right for me.

Hmm…4 energy points to” insult” someone…that could make sense. I mean, you have to come up with a good one to do so and that can take a lot of energy.

Just like in the game and knowing I have anxiety and depression, I try to make sure to choose my energy wisely. If there is something or someone causes me anxiety or depression I either avoid it/them or I wait until I am strong enough to confront them/it. That’s why I avoid watching scary movies and people talking conspiracy theories (especially the ones that don’t make any absolute sense)…not saying that I don’t have my own, but I know that stuff trips me up. When you live with anxiety disorder you’re ALREADY thinking irrationally.

Another such example was when just recently I went to a concert with my friends and we sat in the nosebleed section (she was nice enough to give me an extra ticket). So here my mind is trying not to freak out climbing up the steps and hoping not to miss a step and going up the stairs to find our seats just felt steeper and steeper, while trying not to think about the infinite ways I could die falling. Again sorry, my mind overthinking I felt my heart racing, my breath starting to get a little shallow. Once we got up the seats, I didn’t go back down again (I had to get something to eat), till after the concert was over. While my friends wanted me to see a performance outside of the stadium, I wasn’t willing to leave. I mean…it was already exhausting for me going up the steps up the second time just because I was getting food! While I had fun, I wasn’t able to attend church next day, because I was still recovering from trying not to get anxious while climbing up the stairs. I didn’t get my energy back till the next day (Monday). It was awful! I didn’t anything done during that time!

So yeah…I made it a priority to try not to get myself involved with things situations,  or people that overwhelm me. Another reason why I avoid meddlesome people (e.g. drama queens).  If I want to engage in an activity, I have to make sure I can handle it while let’s say, I’m going to work and school. I have to in a sense, develop self-awareness. So it’s essential for me to choose my energy wisely, because I know depending on what I’m doing, it can overwhelm or exhaust me. And that’s the last thing I need.