Everywhere, But Nowhere Prt 2: Homesick

****What you’re about to read, happened nearly a week ago. Things have changed since then. I’ll explain in later posts, but for now just read my journey during homelessness****

When the day ends, I begin to dread it. It’s time to sleep uncomfortably again. No longer does my day end when I go to bed at midnight or one in the morning. Now, I go to bed earlier than everyone else. All the libraries are closed by 8pm, leaving me no time to catch up with other things I have to do or want to do. I don’t want to use my cell phone at night because it runs out of battery quickly and while I do have a back up battery, I prefer using it in case of emergency…or while I’m homeless right now. Yeah sure I can use my car to help me charge my phone, but it’s not like I’m going to let my car run all night for that. Speaking of little time, you know what also sucks? You can’t turn on the a/c on, because well…you’re not going anywhere else. Not to mention it doesn’t it doesn’t help it’s been hot summer in So Cal and I have too much stuff in my car, making it harder for air to circulate around the car. *Sigh* These are luxuries I really miss.

While every now and then I would take a nap in my car, Sleeping your car is NOT a fun experience when it comes to being homeless. And it’s definitely doesn’t sit well with my body and brain.

****Inner dialogue****

Brain: Finally! The day is done! Let’s go home!

Body: Ah, yes! I can FINALLY stretch on a bed! Ugh that chair at the library got uncomfortable after awhile.

Me: You guys DO know we have no home to go to, right?

Brain: Wait! What?! This is illogical! What do you mean we have no home to go to?

Body: Oh no!!! I have sit in that car again in that small space again? Are you kidding me???

Me: Look…I don’t like it anymore than you guys do alright? But were gonna just have to deal with it.

Brain: No, no, no…no! We have tolerated a LOT of hardships in our lifetime…but this…this is unacceptable!

Body: I don’t wanna go! I don’t wanna!

Me: *sighs and rolls eyes*

*************

Yes, these are the thoughts that go through my head and it gives me such a headache. And the headaches make me even MORE exhausted. Yeah, it’s too much knowing that I ACTUALLY have nowhere to sleep but in my car. It’s so unreal… Never have I ever thought I’d experience this. I have never taken my home for granted no matter big or small, because at the end of day it’s a roof over my head. Ugh! I miss my bed and being able to stretch my legs. I miss the relief I’m home and escape the heat or….engaging with people.

It’s hard to sleep at night…hearing engines of cars, trucks and big rigs…and sometimes the car horn. As a woman, a Black woman, I do fear for my safety at night. But to know that my car is not safe enough is really unnerving. I’d find myself thinking how many windows should I leave open? Three or all the windows open? Then once I decide, I must make another decision should a wind my windows half way or a quarter of the way open? Then after that I have to decide should I do this with all three windows or should I just worry about opening up the windows in both the driver’s and passenger’s seat?

The thought of all of these is exhausting…I shouldn’t be thinking about any of this! I should be planning for example what time should I go to sleep? Do I want to read or do I want to prepare a draft for my blog before I go to bed? Not…this. It’s already enough I suffer with anxiety which then could lead to insomnia, but this…this is insane! I find myself so unnerved from all of this and the environment….my mind and body trying to be aware of our surroundings… This is just horrible. But you know what? I should count my blessings, because there are homeless people who don’t have a car to sleep in.