***Warning Spoilers on “Supernatual” episode 2 and talks on abuse ahead***
This second episode of the 14th season “Supernatural” I thought it was pretty awesome. For a quick recap, in the last episode of the last season, with the help of Dean/Michael, Nick was released from Lucifer’s control, when they stabbed him with the archangel blade. Since Nick’s release from Lucifer’s grasp he has been struggling to deal with the death that Lucifer has caused with the use of his body. There have also been a lot of other struggles since he has regained control of his body:
- He’s trying to find the person who killed his wife and newborn
- Sam, Bobby, Castiel and Mary have found it hard to even look at him, even though he isn’t Lucifer anymore
I thought Mark Pellegrino’s (who plays Nick and Lucifer) portrayal of what survivor’s go throughout after abuse…any type of abuse whether it is–child abuse, sexual abuse…emotional abuse. I wanted to write about the scene, but I thought it was better to show you the pics along with the captions. Somethings are best shown.
That scene invoked a LOT of feelings due to my own experience with abuse. In my case, sexual assault. I felt that I was violated too, coerced into things that I should have NEVER done. I was NEVER that person. It was just because I was looking for love on an online dating website and he wasn’t honest about what he really wanted. I went through “OkCupid” and on the things you did was to put if you were looking for a sexual relationship. I clearly defined that it wasn’t what I wanted with a guy I wanted to date, even though there were pleanty of men who were into a sexual relationship, wanted to date me. Although I turned them down, at least they had the courtesty to indicate that was what they wanted. But my assualter…he lied. He used my vulnerability—love—to take advantage of me. However at first, like Lucifer, he made it seem like I was special, because he “never met a girl like me” before. He used my other good qualities such as empathy to make me feel sorry for him.
Also like Lucifer, he never said his real intentison was just so he could have sex with me. Lucifer never told Nick his real intention was and that he was the devil himself. Yes, he was an angel—a fallen angel—but he lied to Nick about who he was. My assaulter also used my naivety about sex. I didn’t know much about sex, except it was vaginal. That was all I knew. I was saving myself for someone special, so I had no interest in engaging in sex for sake of having sex. He had the audacity to show me his penis and like a child, I hid under a blanket. He kept urging me to touch his penis, that it “wasn’t” that he was trying to have sex with me; underneath the blanket, I kept shaking my head “no”. But it wasn’t until much later after I got away from him, I found that that a man exposing himself, espcially when a woman says “no”, IS sexual assault. I had NO freakin’ idea!
I kept blaming myself: That I should have known dating online was a bad idea, that I should have known to walk out of the room…if I didn’t say “no” not enough times… Why me when I clearly said, I did not want a sexual relationship??? Was it because I was naive? Was it because I was looking for love? Why should I have to be shamed for looking for love? And would should I be shamed for being naive? I said “no” many, many times, but it’s not like if I say “no” a forcefield is going to envelope around me. In fact saying “no” made me look like “a tease.” Just like Nick, it wasn’t my fault. That’s just what abusers do. They pray upon your vulnerabilities whatever they may be…your body, your age, your emotions, your expreiences (or lack thereof)…
Anybody can be abused…anybody. You can think “Sure, that’ll never happen to me. It only happens to people who are dumb or lack experience or desperate.” But let me tell you something…just like in the animal kindom, there will ALWAYS be someone bigger, smarter and faster than you. And as long as you have a need and you experience some sort of hardship, you can be taken advanage of. If you didn’t experience any sort of abuse or you were able to quickly detect or get out of one, consider yourself lucky. Consider yourself blessed, because who’s to tell how you’d handle things if you were in someone else’s situation. It’s ALWAYS easy to say what you “should’ve, “would’ve” or “could’ve” done when you’re not in that person’s situation. Or if you are fortunate enough to have people and other resources to help you overcome a situation. Castiel seemed to understand that.
Castiel like Bobby, Sam, and Mary had a hard time seeing Nick as Nick, because well, Lucifer possessed his body. And like most survivors (because, Lucifer had possessed Castiel’s vessesl) it is hard to separate the fear from the person or a group people. In their case, it’s Nick. In my case it’s men. While I’ve always done my best to be careful, I felt I was never this hypersensitive around men before. It’s such an irritating feeling that paranoia creep up inside of me, without it overtaking me. I’m fortunate enough that I just get nervous, but still. At least like Castiel does, he uses his pain to sympathize with Nick (again because of his own experience with Lucifer), while himself trying not to think that just because Nick looks like Lucifer does not mean IS Lucifer. That’s what gives him the strength to talk to Nick in the first place (that and nobody else want to do it). That’s what I try to do when I’m around men…that not ALL men will try to hurt and take advantage of me like my assaulter did. It’s hard but it keeps me sane. But like Nick, there was that deep horror, that I allowed to happen to me and that it did happen.
So that episode was sooo good, that I’m writing a second take on it in another post. Look for a part 2 soon!