You Are Good The Way You Are?

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Finals Week Is Over!!!

I’m so glad! Student teaching is done! I just turned in my last papers, I can breathe in these last two weeks, before starting another student teaching assignment in the beginning of next year.

It’s been a tough 10 weeks struggling with student teaching, going to school myself and looking for work. In fact, right now I’m trying to see if I can fight to keep a roof over my head.  Not working for Uber has had an impact on my finances, mostly because of what happened back in August. Oh! To make it better, I was harassed again! I’ll tell you in another post. So all dealing with my stress and oh wait…I ran out of my  pills my anxiety and depressive pills. Luckily, I refilled them. I’m hoping Ill make more money again to fill them up again in the next month.

I love teaching, but sometimes I worry….will I be able to manage my illness and teach. My anxiety disorder can leave me scatterbrained and my depression can leave me distant from all my responsibilities. So, I’m hoping my passion for teaching and working with kids will keep me from succumbing to it. Then again it’s my first time teaching, so maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself? I just want to be a really good teacher, irregardless of my mental illness. I’m more than my illness at least that’s what I try to tell myself. I don’t want stress and depress myself about this new career path I’m going on: “Do I have enough experience?” “Will I get an interview?” “Will I not get a job offer because I’m Black?”,”Will I get hired before, during or a little after I finish my program?” “Will I work for Uber forever???” Just so many thoughts and fears rushing rushing up and across my mind. I’m trying not to in a sense meditate on those thoughts. I want to instead mediate on the awesomeness that makes me, me.

Cyber Bullying

cyber-bullying-photo

Wow…it feels good to back! Well… at least for a while, I start school again next week, but three weeks from now, I’ll be back here again.

Another reason why I haven’t been back, because last month I experienced cyberbullying. Yes…I experienced it. It was awful! Usually, I avoid posts on views I don’t agree with. However, there are those knuckleheads that occasionally will come to my social feeds with views that are well…how do I put it…ridiculous.

But on my personal facebook page, I saw something that triggered my experiences as an Uber driver and as sexual assault survivor. You know how Facebook has ads or random posts, you know,  based on the posts you’ve “liked” from your friends or sites you follow? Well there was a post on a  Black”comedian” posing as an Uber driver, driving a white woman and her black friend. This guy mind you, wasn’t EVEN good looking, objectifiying the white girl and demeaning the Black girl. Now I’m not saying even if the guy was good looking what he said would have been good,  because by no means necessary it would have been. But c’mon man…be humble. That’s usually a head turn for most real woman…at least for me anyway.

Outraged by this, I made a comment on the video.  I wasn’t hoping to change nothing, just putting my view of it, but the “Alpha” males of facebook came to attack me! They were pissed! I wasn’t even attacking them personally! That was the weirdest thing. There were some of the comments they said:

  • “She’s just an angry single mother” Hahaha! I’m not a single mother! Just because I’m a Black woman doesn’t mean I’m a single mother! Hahaha!
  • “You’re taking the video too seriously. It’s meant to be funny.” The guy who said that, had a picture of a young girl as his profile pic and as I looked into this Facebook page, he had pictures standing and smiling next to a young girl. I don’t know if it was his niece or daughter. So, I told him this…“It looks like you have a little girl you love very much. How would you like it if some guy made your little girl feel like this when she grows up? Would you think it would be funny then?” I didn’t hear from him since.
  • “Aw man! Another feminist who has bad spelling and grammar, but yet tells me how “bad” of a guy I am.” I was already pissed at all the comments coming at me while typing on my iphone, my spelling and grammar are of course going to get bad. And with that, I told him, “One, if I had oh-so ‘bad spelling and grammar’ then how did you understand what I was writing? And two, I wasn’t EVEN talking about you. And three, YOU called yourself  out as being a “horrible” man, so I guess you really are one.” And I didn’t hear from him either.
  • “I don’t know why you’re taking the video so seriously, but if it offended you, I’m sorry.” What kind of half-assed apology is that??? No, shit Sherlock, it did! How the woman were made to feel…I’ve been there. That video is what women experience in real life!

There was one comment that  caught me off guard, especially this coming from a Black man:

  • “Go kill yourself.” So I told him this, “You give Black men…no…Black people a bad name. Talk about Black on Black crime.”

What possesses people to say shit like that? That guy I wanna say was in his early twenties and I know now days that what kids say to each other when they HATE someone. I’m so glad I grew up in the 90s. But don’t get me wrong…that hurt. I ended up calling a local RAINN hotline. I’m glad I did.

It’s already enough I felt that my sexual assaulter violated my trust and my body, but I feel like I can’t trust anybody. I mean the nastiness that people say on the internet they would NEVER say in real life. They couldn’t because they know the backlash they would face from society. But I’m terrified to say ANYTHING to anyone especially men when I drive for Uber. The men I encountered on Facebook were verbally abusive men. Some of them were the typical douchebag men and some looked like men who “looked” like good guys.  I feel a little bit more afraid to speak my mind against “sexual assault” and “mental health”, because of the nastiness that exists out in the internet and in real life. Even here in my own blog.

I don’t even get any support on the things I stand for! I mean, even though people “liked” my comments, NOONE but one woman stood up for me during those tirades of men harrassing me. My family basically said it was my fault for I got cyberbullying by putting up my comment. While yes I stay say safe by not engaging in such posts, why should it be my fault??? Who taught  people that it’s okay to blame victims for their circumstances? That it’s their fault for not being “careful”??? People who haven’t been in or recognized and/or accepted their own pain….that’s who. Society… oi….

My Story

I wrote this mid-Oct and I thought I sent this back then…but I guess not.😕 I sent my most recent posts out now, but I sent it on scheduled. Guess it’s been while since I’ve used WordPress even on the app.😕😕😕 So till those two post come around…9:12 tonight, just read this one for now.

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Hey guys it’s been awhile. Just dealing with a LOT right now…finding work (no Ubering), student-teaching, going to school, overcoming cyberbulling (I’ll explain later)… Meantime till I get the time, here’s a post I put on my Facebook page recently around the topic of #metoo:

I’ve put up a couple of posts here or there about me being sexually assaulted or even the latest one being harassed by men who denouncing my views on a video that had a “comedian” posing as an Uber driver who was harassing two female passengers as he was driving them to their destination.

Though as I’ve mentioned BEING sexually assaulted, I’ve NEVER mentioned the story of HOW here. Why??? It’s embarrassing. Why??? I’m afraid of being judged. Why??? Because talking about means going through that night ALL over again. Why??? Because it’s confusing… Why me??? Was it something I said on my one-time dating profile that said, “Oh I hope I get chosen to be raped???” Why did he think it was okay to take advantage of my kindness towards his sad life (I mean that figuratively and literally)? Why did he think it was okay take advantage of my naivety??? Why did he think it was okay to pretend to honor and respect my values??? Do you know how hard it is EVEN for me to enjoy reading comic books??? I can’t enjoy reading them without struggling to disconnect them to my assaulter! Even when I was talking on the phone LONNNNNG before I met him in real life, he HAD to build trust to take advantage of me. You know what the worst part was??? I kept seeing him! Even after I kept waking up in the middle of the night dreaming (but more of a nightmare) the parts of my body he touched EVEN when I told him “no” many times over, I kept seeing him. However at the time, I no idea during all those times I messaged him on the site, “Ok Cupid”, he was trying to (and succeeded) get into my mind BEFORE he could get into my body. The thing is…even if you tell a guy harassing you “no”, you NEVER plan on what to do next, because 1. it is always taught by society you say “no”….and nothing else. “However”, if the assault happens anyway, it’s “consensual” and “your fault”🙄😒😑😑😑 2. How do you explain to your friends and family what happened to you, when you’re too busy trying to overcome your shame? 3. Speaking for myself as someone who never experienced sex before (and wasn’t trying too) your trying to understand the sensations, which by the way weren’t the good ones. 4. My assaulter coerced me on how I should feel about it and that I “wanted” it. Although we never did “it”, dry humping was something I never wanted either, but for him, it was his way of showing me how good he was going to be if we actually did “it”. Not to mention the pride of teaching a Virgin. But I told him even as we were making out, no sex but he saw it as me “being a tease”. I was saving myself for someone special. Then he started to find little ways to “get into my pants”, like “wanting to see” what underwear I was wearing but to my shame I did, since I thought he would respect my desires of no sex, but…he didn’t.

Even as I write this I’m shaking, horrified on what I felt I “allowed” happen to me even when I stopped seeing him. “How did I allow some fool take advantage of me ONLY to become the bigger fool at end???”, I find myself saying to me from time to time. So if you’re wondering why so many women of Hollywood are just NOW saying Harvey Weinstein raped/sexually assaulted them, now you know why. Especially when these many women were at one point starting to build their names in Hollywood. There was that shame and then there was the fear of their careers, their dreams being derailed, which my mom feared for me too if I reported my assaulter. So if you’re wondering why me or even the actresses “allowed” ourselves to be raped/sexually assaulted and NEVER reported it, please don’t judge. Because if you HAD experienced rape, you can’t reaaaally believe that YOU would have known “what to do” 🙄😒😑 or what you would have “looked for” and then blame victims for failing NOT to do so. Rape—how it happens and WHY it happens—is not that simple. Not that simple at all.