Tag: Castiel

Supernatural: Damaged Goods (AKA: Dean and PTSD)

Supernatural: Damaged Goods (AKA: Dean and PTSD)

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              The Archangel Michael possessing Dean’s body                                  Source: Entertainment Weekly

INTRO

Sadly, this will Supernatural’s second to last season. The series will end next year. So while I have material to go off from the show, I will continue with episode eleven, “Damaged Goods” . “Damaged goods” continued from end of season 14 with the possession of Dean’s body by the archangel Michael. So Castiel and Sam found away to enter Dean’s mind in order to release Dean from Michael’s hold and to do with away from Michael.

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Dean’s Trauma

To find Dean in his mind, they have to comb through all his bad memories first. When I mean, “bad memories” especially in Dean’s case, it’s “scars”. Not all scars have to be physical, but they can be mental and emotional as well. When someone is living with or overcoming emotional  and mentally pains, it usually means they’ve undergone traumatic events. It may sound obvious, but you may be surprised how this simple fact can be grossly overlooked. Trauma can usually consist of dangerous, frightening, or extremely stressful situation or events. And as you read in the slide below, Dean has many of them…the death of his mother, the death of his brother (but came back to life), his own death, being sent to hell and back from it, the death of his father, the death of his mentor and friend, Bobby Singer and other companions and of course, his near final transformations into a vampire and a demon. Yeah… I’d say he’s undergone a LOT of trauma.

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Physical Pain vs Emotional Pain

So how does trauma affect a person’s mind more than physical pain (Dean and Sam has had a LOT of surreal pain)? In the online Psychology Today article, “5 Ways Emotional Pain Is Worse Physical Pain”, it provides, well…5 reason why it’s so:

  1. Memories Trigger Emotional Pain But Not Physical Pain
  2. We Use Physical Pain as Distraction from Emotional Pain Not Vice Versa (could explain why Dean hunts a lot than facing his fears)
  3. Physical Pain Garners Far More Empathy from Others Than Emotional Pain
  4. Emotional Pain Echoes in Ways Physical Pain Does Not–You can look at scar on your knee, compared thinking about the time you got rejected by your high school crush
  5. Emotional Pain but Not Physical Pain Can Damage Our Self-Esteem and Long-Term Mental Health

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Gaslighting

One of the ways, abusers like Michael, chooses his victims is by choosing victims who are strong, confident and successful (Dodgson, 2017). One of the ways abusers overcome their victims is called, “Coercive Control”. Coercive control is used to instill fear and compliance in a partner (Kennedy, n.d). These are a few way abusers can use coercive control:

  • Obsessive monitoring
  • Low level violence (e.g. shoving & hair grabbing)
  • Sexual Assault
  • Gaslighting

I want to say that what Michael was doing to Dean was a form of gaslighting. I mean  if you think about, gaslighting is where abusers “undermine the abused person’s sense of sanity by insisting their lies are true, or by playing mind games.” And Michael was trying to keep Dean in the dark by giving him the life he never had in his own mind, even though in reality, he was really imprisoning Dean.

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PTSD and C-PTSD

Thriving on trauma…hmm…you know what this reminds me of? PTSD. As a reminder PTSD, according to the American Psychological Association, is “a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, rape or other violent personal assault.” The symptoms they go through are (APA, 2017):

  1. Intrusive thoughts–These include repeated, involuntary memories; distressing dreams; or flashbacks of the traumatic event. Flashbacks my may be so vivid that people feel they are re-living the traumatic experience or seeing it before their eyes.
  2. Avoiding reminders–Traumatic events may have a person for example, avoiding people, places, activities, objects and situations that bring on distressing memories. People may try to avoid remembering or thinking about the traumatic event. They may resist talking about what happened or how they feel about it.
  3. Negative thoughts and feelings—These may include ongoing and distorted beliefs about oneself or others (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted”); ongoing fear, horror, anger, guilt or shame; much less interest in activities previously enjoyed; or feeling detached or estranged from others.
  4. Arousal and reactive thoughts—This may include being irritable and having angry outbursts; behaving  recklessly or in a self-destructive way; being easily started; or having problems concentrating or sleeping.

But you know something else? I think Dean may have C-PTSD because of the trauma he has gone through his whole life. Also he has shown some examples of how he could have C-PTSD. Usually what survivors with C-PTSD may have difficulty with is (VA, n.d.).

  • Avoiding thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings connected with the trauma are often overwhelming. I mean, I’ve never heard of Dean never talk about his past encounters with supernatural beings and never really talks about how those encounters with supernatural beings impacted him. Or how he’s nearly lost Sam or his own life. Or the loss of their dad.
  • The excess use of alcohol or other substances in order to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to the trauma. Dean well….drinks like a fish to avoid his.112d5e70dd6ecde54fee65ce2322ca7d
  • Not harming themselves and finding other ways to hurt themselves. Do you know how many times Dean has sent has sacrificed himself? One too many times…one too many times.
  • Being mistaken for having a “weak character” or are unjustly blamed for the symptoms they experience as a result of victimization. Luckily, Sam reminds Dean how strong he is everyday.

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Michael definitely, found Dean’s Achilles’s heel and it was to be happy. Why? It keeps Michael in control. As mention earlier, gaslighting  is used to keep their victims in line and from seeing things for what they really are. especially when their guard is down. It explains why survivors like myself and even Dean don’t want to put our guard down, because once it’s down, it will feels like our mind will be a gateway for former or future abusers to get the best of us.

Conclusion

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Whether trauma is in the past or on going, it’s never easy to live through. On one hand you wish for that “normalcy”, but on the other hand you have to fend yourself from those who would do harm to you. So not only are you juggling past and/or present pain, you are juggling the possibility of harm that can be done. Reliving trauma and being on guard from new trauma IS your normal. But as long as you have a Sam and Castiel in your corner, it allows trauma to be easier to live with.

References:

American Psychological Association. (2017). What Is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder? Retrieved from: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd

Dodgson, L. (2017). Psychological Abusers Don’t Go For The Weak–They Choose Strong People Because They “Like a Challenge.” Retrieved from: https://www.businessinsider.com/strong-confident-people-end-up-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8

Kennedy, L. (n.d.) What Is Coercive Control in a Relationship? Retrieved from: https://www.webmd.com/women/features/what-is-coercive-control#1

Winch, G. (2014). 5 Ways Emotional Pain Is Worse Than Physical Pain. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201407/5-ways-emotional-pain-is-worse-physical-pain

Veteran Affairs. (n.d.) Complex PTSD. Retrieved from: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/essentials/complex_ptsd.asp

Women’s Health. (2018). Abuse, Trauma, and Mental Health. Retrieved from: https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/abuse-trauma-and-mental-health

 

More Reading

Tracy, N. (2016). Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted. Retrieved from: https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted

Supernatural: Gods and Monsters (Part 2)

Ever lost something that made you, you? It could be your mental wellbeing or your physical health and because of that you don’t feel like 100 percent…you? Let me give you an example through Supernatural’s Jack Kline the Nephilim offspring of Kelly Kline and Lucifer. Yes I said it, Lucifer. While yes he is half human and angel, his father being an archangel (and he is in the Bible), he was a powerful being. “Was” you make ask. Yeah. See in the early season of Season 13, Michael (the archangel) from another demention stole Lucifer’s grace in order to get into and conquer our demension and because of that Lucifer was powerless throughout the season…until he stole Jack’s grace. And so far this season, he is running on his life (via magic) to keep him alive. And now that the end of the end of the world is nearing (Michael created super vampires and werewolves to do his bidding by killing off humans, because they weren’t “worth saving”) for the umpteen time, Jack feels useless.

As Castiel states, it’s better to focus on what you don’t have than what you do have. Why? Because doing so keeps you from one feeling sorry for yourself and two to keep you to noticing the things you can do or do have. For example, when I was living in my car for awhile, I was pissed. Pissed that things didn’t  go as planned for me. I always had something to help me, but this time…nothing. I was always use to using my wits or having some sort of financial backup. I applied for jobs but no luck. The relationship with my family at the time was kind of a mess.

 Then on a hot day, I realized as I saw the homeless men either riding their bike or walking, they didn’t have something that I DID have: a car. A car where I could travel anywhere with, a car where I could travel anywhere to…a car with an air condition. I also had family (later on) and friends to help me. Some homeless people who had family who lived in another state (and unfortunately had little to no funds to have them travel there) or they had family that didn’t want them. I then realized how blessed even STILL in the moment I was in.

It’s easy to think we can look at someone and think they may not understand where we are coming from, but you may be surprised what you’ll discover about a person. I get that a lot from people, because how bubbly or serious I look. However when I open my mouth, they are shocked by what they hear. I remember not too long ago when I was subbing in a 3rd grade class, I was sharing to a young boy a book series I use to read when I was his age. He asked me what happened to the books and I told him that I lost them during the time of my parents divorce. I could feel his astonishment because he didn’t think that happened to me. The fact I looked free from any sort of troubles at home, I think surprised him. He ended up revealing that his parents were divorced too. He told me how the divorce has impacted him at home and at school. From how he described his troubles at school, I assumed that it stemmed from the heartbreak at home. From that moment forward, he followed me around like a little chick, wanting to help me out anyway I can. Sometimes, we need that assurance that in the midst of hardship we’re going to be okay in the end. I think that’s what Jack needed and I think that that little boy needed that too.

Sometimes it’s easy to get rapped up in the things we have that we can attach our identity to them. This in makes it hard so when we do lose everything, we can feel defeated. I know I did when I was on the street: no job, no home….I always saw myself whenever and where ever I came from return home. This time I dreaded finishing the day, because it meant I had to spend the rest of the day in my car. It was then I had to realize I had friends who cares about me and wanted to help me. Also that I had the skills of being resourceful. I had to remember to look within myself to survive living on the street.

When we look at others, we can tend to think they are flawless, free from the upsets of all the screwups that we make in our day to day life, that it can make us lose our sense of self. We may end up losing interest in pursuing whatever skill we want to achieve. Heck, we may still lose confidence in ourselves. But it is important to remember this: Rome was not built in a day. It takes a lot of hard work, sweat and tears (they’ll definitely be a lot of those) and as Cas says, patience to perfect whatever skill we want to possess. But again like below patience and persistence are skills too.

For the past 4 years since I was living on my own, I had to find myself. After spending 28 years with my family, I had a hard time knowing who I was, because my identity was attached to my family, including my self-esteem. It took me a long time, to know who I was…to know who Ezi was, without having to tie myself to my hard past. And I struggled a lot! While I wanted my independence, I had separation anxiety being a way from them. While I wanted to hear my own voice, I still needed to hear their’s…their reassurance mostly. There was fear as well if my past was going to hinder my future. That was what was bugging me the whole time. But here I was in my new life, not being able to enjoy the here and now and the other good prospects that would follow.

In the end I found, I can’t allow what I did or do have or what I didn’t have interfere with having a better future. That includes my past too. This new time I’m in–in spite of the struggles I’m engaged in–is a chance to find who I really am and what I’m made of without all the comforts of life. Also we’re not alone in the struggles we are in. Keep in mind the family and friends who may understand and/or be able to help you. You can learn how to be gracious in life by the people you encounter in life and may have something to teach you. However, as long as you are alive, there is much room from growth, self-discovery, self-love and of course, success.

Can’t… Just Can’t

I’ve been on and off lately from WordPress because of a cold. Actually because of a virus I was fighting. I thought at first it was an ear infection. I had go to the ER only to find out, well…there’s no medication for it. Just resting, avoiding eating sugary foods, taking in electrolytes. I haven’t been substitute teaching for awhile, because well…as much as I love kids, they can be physically and mentally draining.😅 When I first caught the virus I was spinning so much! I couldn’t stand to check on the kids. And you know what also I haven’t been doing for awhile either? Seeing my therapist.

While yes, I try to apply what I’ve learned from her (as well as my past therapists), it’s still hard without seeing one. I don’t know why it’s hard. Just when I think I should be okay without one, I start to fall apart. It’s horrible. Fortunately though I’m seeing her again this week, cause I’m getting better.

Supernatural: Gods and Monsters (Part 1)

***Warning Spoilers on “Supernatual” episode 2 and talks on abuse ahead***

This second episode of the 14th season “Supernatural” I thought it was pretty awesome. For a quick recap,  in the last episode of the last season, with the help of Dean/Michael, Nick was released from Lucifer’s control, when they stabbed him with the archangel blade. Since Nick’s release from Lucifer’s grasp he has been struggling to deal with the death that Lucifer has caused with the use of his body.  There have also been a lot of other struggles since he has regained control of his body:

  • He’s trying to find the person who killed his wife and newborn
  • Sam, Bobby, Castiel and Mary have  found it hard to even look at him, even though he isn’t Lucifer anymore

I thought Mark Pellegrino’s (who plays Nick and Lucifer) portrayal of what survivor’s go throughout after abuse…any type of abuse whether it is–child abuse, sexual abuse…emotional abuse. I wanted to write about the scene, but I thought it was better to show you the pics along with the captions. Somethings are best shown.

That scene invoked a LOT of feelings due to my own experience with abuse. In my case, sexual assault. I felt that I was violated too, coerced into things that I should have NEVER done. I was NEVER that person. It was just because I was looking for love on an online dating website and he wasn’t honest about what he really wanted. I went through  “OkCupid” and on the things you did was to put if you were looking for a sexual relationship. I clearly defined that it wasn’t what I wanted with a guy I wanted to date, even though there were pleanty of men who were into a sexual relationship, wanted to date me. Although I turned them down, at least they had the courtesty to indicate that was what they wanted. But my assualter…he lied. He used my vulnerability—love—to take advantage of me. However at first, like Lucifer, he made it seem like I was special, because he “never met a girl like me” before. He used my other good qualities such as empathy to make me feel sorry for him.

Also like Lucifer, he never said his real intentison was just so he could have sex with me. Lucifer never told Nick his real intention was and that he was the devil himself. Yes, he was an angel—a fallen angel—but he lied to Nick about who he was. My assaulter also used my naivety about sex. I didn’t know much about sex, except it was vaginal. That was all I knew. I was saving myself for someone special, so I had no interest in engaging in sex for sake of having sex. He had the audacity to show me his penis and like a child, I hid under a blanket. He kept urging me to touch his penis, that it “wasn’t” that he was trying to have sex with me; underneath the blanket, I kept shaking my head “no”. But it wasn’t until much later after I got away from him, I found that that a man exposing himself, espcially when a woman says “no”, IS sexual assault. I had NO freakin’ idea!

I kept blaming myself: That I should have known dating online was a bad idea, that I should have known to walk out of the room…if I didn’t say “no” not enough times… Why me when I clearly said, I did not want a sexual relationship??? Was it because I was naive? Was it because I was looking for love? Why should I have to be shamed for looking for love? And would should I be shamed for being naive?  I said “no” many, many times, but it’s not like if I say “no” a forcefield is going to envelope around me. In fact saying “no” made me look like “a tease.” Just like Nick, it wasn’t my fault. That’s just what abusers do. They pray upon your vulnerabilities whatever they may be…your body, your age, your emotions, your expreiences (or lack thereof)…

Anybody can be abused…anybody. You can think  “Sure, that’ll never happen to me. It only happens to people who are dumb or lack experience or desperate.” But let me tell you something…just like in the animal kindom, there will ALWAYS be someone bigger, smarter and faster than you. And as long as you have a need and you experience some sort of hardship, you can be taken advanage of. If you didn’t experience any sort of abuse or you were able to quickly detect or get out of one, consider yourself lucky. Consider yourself blessed, because who’s to tell how you’d handle things if you were in someone else’s situation. It’s ALWAYS easy to say what you “should’ve, “would’ve” or “could’ve” done when you’re not in that person’s situation. Or if you are fortunate enough to have people and other resources to help you overcome a situation. Castiel seemed to understand that.

Castiel like Bobby, Sam, and Mary had a hard time seeing Nick as Nick, because well, Lucifer possessed his body. And like most survivors (because, Lucifer had possessed Castiel’s vessesl) it is hard to separate the fear from the person or a group people. In their case, it’s Nick. In my case it’s men. While I’ve always done my best to be careful, I felt I was never this hypersensitive around men before. It’s such an irritating feeling that paranoia creep up inside of me, without it overtaking me. I’m fortunate enough that I just get nervous, but still. At least like Castiel does, he uses his pain to sympathize with Nick (again because of his own experience with Lucifer), while himself trying not to think that just because Nick looks like Lucifer does not mean IS Lucifer. That’s what gives him the strength to talk to Nick in the first place (that and nobody else want to do it). That’s what I try to do when I’m around men…that not ALL men will try to hurt and take advantage of me like my assaulter did. It’s hard but it keeps me sane. But like Nick, there was that deep horror, that I allowed to happen to me and that it did happen.

So that episode was sooo good, that I’m writing a second take on it in another post. Look for a part 2 soon!