Tag: celebrate recovery

Today Sucks (Update) Aka A Little Help From My Friends

Well today I’m recovered from my depression and boy am I glad. It was tough. It felt like my heart was being pulled into this dark chasm and that pulling feeling made my muscles hurt. It was bad. I took Wednesday off from work. I just couldn’t work. I hate that I couldn’t work but I had to.

Fortunately I also had friends from Celebrate Recovery that was praying for me. What’s great too is that they understood what it was like to depressed and they prayed over me too. Whether it was over text or in person they prayed over me. And I think knowing I had people to count on and they were praying over me, helped me get passed it.

Honestly in my opinion, I think depression is a spiritual thing, because it certainly isn’t of the mind. I can have all the will power in the world & it STILL will find a way to take over me. Heck I remember a psychic telling me that while I will be having good things going for me in the future, that there was this dark cloud over me. Damned depression. I feel like depression is like some sort of weighted blanket that I didn’t ask for nor wanted and it just covers itself over me. It’s horrible.

  • But yeah, it felt great to have people who cared enough about me to think about me. Sometimes when living with depression and anxiety, it’s easy to forget you have people who care about you so it’s easy to just seclude yourself from them and the rest of the world. But please, don’t forget about the people who love and care about you. But let me say this, depression is not yours to fight alone. You need help from others…people who care for you. So who ever those people are, be in contact with them and together you guys can fight that horrible disorder.
  • Support Groups – Online Support Groups

    Looking for online support groups for depression, anxiety, bipolar and other mental disorders? Visit Mental Health America for help.
    — Read on www.mentalhealthamerica.net/find-support-groups

    In my experience if you’re in a good support group it could be a good place not only to talk about your distractions with mental health, but a good way to practice talking with others, learning that there will people in your life who will either understand you or make you feel you’re not alone…most of all it’s a place you can feel safe. Not to mention pushing yourself to interact with people more.

    Celebrate Recovery: My Recovery Testimony

    Image result for person celebrating

    The following essay, was for a testimony I was to give to the attendees of the “Celebrate Recovery” of my church. To be honest, I wrote that the last minute, because of the nerves I had built on writing this. The anxiety knowing what I said and how I said about my testimony would and perhaps could change a person’s life. It was nervewrecking for me (even though I brainstormed a couple times) to know I could have impact on someone’s life. But the time it was about two day’s before I presented my testimony I spent all night to put it together. Barely even rehearsed it, but it was already in my heart and memories of the recovery process I went through. But at the end, it seemed everyone liked it because the audience was applauding and one of leader’s of the program said some people were nodding or exclaimed how I overcame my obsticles. One person also joked about how I could have come from Harvard, because of how smooth I talked and how well written was. I can’t believe people liked it! Anyway without futher adieu, he is my written testimony I presented at my local “Celebrate Recovery” location:

     I am a believer who had struggled with anger issues. I know it’s hard to believe that I have anger issues, but I do. I have struggled with anger issues for a long time…all pent up…angry at the world and angry at myself. And that was the insanity. But mostly I was doing it as a way to protect myself. My anger stemmed with loneliness, insecurities, lack, and uncertainty. It didn’t help either I grew up in a domestic violent household either. The shame of living through that (and feeling misunderstood or discounted) kept me from confidently making friends or getting into a relationship. I felt if I let go of my anger it would weaken me, make me vulnerable…and being vulnerable meant exposing myself to the hurts and feelings I’ve tired so hard to bury and forget. But like everything else, nothing lasts forever. Plus, all that pent up anger from childhood caused me to have anxiety and depression disorders.

    To be honest, I didn’t want to go back into Celebrate Recovery, because at the previous church I attended the people at THAT celebrate recovery weren’t very interactive. And incase things didn’t turn out well and THIS celebrate recovery, I didn’t wanna leave my business out in the open. I mean sure, I wouldn’t see the attendees again, but I don’t feel comfortable leaving my hurts with strangers. Unfortunately, a couple years ago I didn’t have a choice. In late 2015, I was sexually assaulted and that had a toll on me. And then THAT eventually led to a falling out with my folks, which led me to living a friend, but even there I was falling apart, because I was still reeling from everything that happened in just a few months. I had to put school on pause for awhile too. Pretty much I was a mess and angry. It was then their family member suggested Celebrate Recovery. Even though I was facing some pretty rough circumstances, it gave me enough to focus on myself and the only relationship I had that was fully available: my relationship with Jesus Christ. Being in the program really helped me to vulnerable and a safe spot for me to heal. Plus seeing other people sharing their vulnerabilities helped to understand it was okay to be vulnerable….that there was strength in being vulnerable and strength in facing them as well.  It was also encouraging to see other women wanting to grow from their pain and help each other out. The more I came, the more I was able to have a handle on my anger. The step that spoke to me, was the first which was “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that lives had become unmanageable.” I needed to accept that, because I had to stop feeling the need to control things and keep to myself. It’s like the good book says in Genesis 2:18 and Matthew 18:20, in, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” and “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”

    Because I pursued my relationship with God and myself vulnerable to Him, I was able to be vulnerable to myself and better it and I was able to better my relationships. It’s still a work in progress, but it’s manageable, I’m manageable. I am freer and lighter, and I have a bit more confidence in myself and how I relate with others. Yeah, the pains of the past are still within me, but they don’t dominate me as much anymore. Since, my attendance in 2016, I’ve also been able to make friends here, which was something I did not expect. I was just focusing on bettering my spiritual side and managing my hurts. And what’s great is that we all help and support one another. This recovery journey has taught me that God is in control of everything, even my anger. I spent so much time feeling like because it was my anger, it should be my responsibility. But as I look back on my life: the relationships I’ve made, the circumstances I have faced, it shown me that God has dominion over EVERYTHING…good and bad but as long as I have him in my life I’ll be okay. I don’t have to take on everything my own, not even the pain I have. He will send me all the resources and support to see that I’ll be okay through it all.

    So, my advice to the newbies is this, you don’t have to take everything on your own (your addictions, your hurts) you’re in good company here as well as God’s company. So, don’t worry about what you do and don’t have emotionally or financially, nor how long you expect for change to happen in yourself. Just focus on spending the next hour here and focus on rebuilding your life with God and in his time, you will get you’ve been seeking.

    Celebrate Recovery!

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    For the past 2 months I have attended a “Celebrate Recovery” in my church. At first I was a bit skeptical, because I have been to one in a previous church and it didn’t seem to help me much. I felt, I was talking for the sake of talking (and I also saw some from my past I wasn’t too keen on rehashing my past to). Even though there was a group for men and women and within those two groups a subgroup based on those recovering from chemically dependent (on drugs and/or alcohol), physical/emotional and sexual abuse, sexual addiction, eating disorder, problem relationships, recovery from anger, and financial recovery. But I felt, personally like…I wasn’t getting anything enriching from it. I felt like it was more focused on staying as long as you can to earn the “Celebrate Recovery” chips (like you would earn at an A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) or N.A. (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting. It wasn’t goal I felt worth earning if it was only for a chip, especially since I didn’t have an alcohol or drug program. So, I left that “Celebrate Recovery” program and that was like what….4 or 5 years ago??? However, lately I found (it took me forever to admit it but I had a major anger problem.

    Two reasons why I went:

    1. When I lived at my ex’s house, his sister recommended me to attend a “Celebrate Recovery” at our church. I was skeptical at first of attending, because the first time I attended a “Celebrate Recovery”, it didn’t help me very much.
    2. My ex telling me I had anger issues. This was during time he had broken up with me. Although, there were things he said to me that were contrary to my character, that had to be the one I agreed with. Even much after we broke up, he revealed to me he knew I had a lot of pent up anger and it could have been the reason why my anxiety and depression was so bad. It was true, but I never knew—not that I didn’t want to— how or to whom to relay my hurt to. So, yeah…I’d tend to erupt like a volcano when I got really But don’t get me wrong…I didn’t do it prove him wrong about me or in hopes we’ll get back together. I did it because well…I was tired of being angry all the time and I was tired of my anger getting in the way of the people I loved and mostly importantly, loving myself.

    When I first entered the program at my church, I didn’t feel like I fit in… Most of the people who attended I have done drugs and/or drank alcohol, were in a gang…and me…well I didn’t. Some of the people came transitional homes…some of them were court ordered…some of them came from different churches… How was this place going to do it for me? However, once the program started with praise I felt a stir in me telling me I should give this place, this program a chance.

    In “Celebrate Recovery” it first starts a large group and then later with small groups in respective to their gender. The large groups starts with the choir singing, then testimony, an offering and lastly, a topic for the evening. The music was great filled with heart and soul to give attendees something to look forward to in the next hour.  Next, there would be a praise report from one of the attendees of how God and “Celebrate Recovery” has helped them to change their lives. The stories these people would tell! You’d never think some of them would have shot up heroin, you’d never think were on Skid Row….I mean all these people regardless of the mess they lived in or brought to themselves all had one thing in common: they were dealing with a hurt, habit and/or hang-ups and were willing to make changes in their lives. Most got married, started a family, started their own business. It brought joy to my heart that hear no matter how a person has lived their life, no matter what pain they have an endured, you can always turn your life around.

    What I liked about the program is that it’s a spiritual one, two, my feelings and experiences are NOT discounted and three, it asks a lot of hard questions. Not like they are hard per se, just that it unlocks a lot of old feelings. For me, spirituality keeps me strong. Without it…well, just makes my life harder and more overwhelming. My therapist— before the current two I had—would seem to try to split my spiritual side from my mental side. I did not appreciate that, but I had continued to see him with my discretion (he did help me out with the CBT though).

    Growing up in a domestic abusive household, was tough for my younger self, but it  was also tough to find people to confide with. The classmates who were my playmates, would often scoff at my stories telling me my life wasn’t so bad, because my family looked “perfect” and I lived in a nicer area. Oh, wait for the best part… “that there are other people who had worse lives than [mine]”. Classic… classic ignorance! I’ve often felt alone, because I could never have my experiences and feelings counted for, I felt that I, myself could not be counted too. Being at the “Celebrate Recovery” meetings, is “training” me to be connected to people and to be in connected to myself.  No story is worse than the other, no person is to be without their story being told. Every person’s story (e.g. hurt)  has a right to be told for it is in doing so, the healing begins. And definitely, the healing has begun for me.

    The questions…oh those pesky questions… Just as I thought, I was done healing…apparently I wasn’t. The questions come in the from the “Celebrate Recovery” program’s participant guide booklets. These include:

    • Guide 1: Stepping Out of Denial
    • Guide 2: Taking An Honest and Spiritual Inventory
    • Guide 3: Getting Right with God
    • Guide 4: Growing in Christ

    These books helps participants such as myself to face our hurts, habits and/or hang-ups and achieve the restoration and reinforcement of the relationship we have with God, with others and ourselves.

    For example, in guide 1, these questions include:

    1. What do you fear turning over to His care?
    2. What is keeping you from turning over?
    3. What does the phrase “live one day at a time” mean to you?
    4. What is a major concern in your life?
    5. What’s stopping you from turning it over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ?

    Such questions gave me more to answer in order to unlock more fears as well as dreams, because just when you think you have unlocked the doors of your heart, you find out there are doors within these doors. Pain underneath other pains. And let me tell you, I’ve never cried so much like that anywhere in front of anyone. I don’t usually like showing people my sadness.

    So far it has been like a month since I’ve attended and I’ve been feeling great. I still have anxiety and depression, but I feel it’s not as bad as it used to. Facing my pains along with the teachings of Christ, has been so helpful. It’s only because and of my faith haven’t completely fallen on my face with all that has gone on in my life.  On the 1st step of the 12 steps it says:

    1. We admitted we were powerless over our additions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

    “For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

    Romans 7:18

            Upon reading this step, I felt a great sense of relief, because it shows that we may not have strength to control whatever our vices may be. For me, I can’t control my anxiety and depression and as Christians, we know that anxiety and even depression is not of God. Yet as long as we live on this Earth, our bodies and minds will experience such things. I have tried so hard to control it on my own and well…it hasn’t helped much, but give me more anxiety and anguish over my inequities. My anxiety and depression has impacted my life in various ways and I do my best to not let it best my life. I’ve often heard in my life such quotes as “God helps those who help themselves” or “We have the power to overcome our sins”. The thing is (well, at least for me), I’ve tried on my own to fight anxiety and depression, but I can’t apparently and I know I have what it takes to not let anxiety and depression overcome me, but I don’t know how to and I know I definitely can’t do it on my own. That’s where this leads to the sixth step of the “Twelve Steps”:

    1. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

    “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.”

    (James 4:10)

    Having to pray to God to help me overcome my anxiety and depression has helped a lot, especially knowing that I’m only human and that there is so much that can be in my control, even my own mental health. However, what matters is that I’ve acknowledged Christ as my savior and my willingness to turn my inequities over to him and change for the better. It’s as Jesus said in Matthew 11:28 (NLT),

    “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

    And doing so has helped me out a lot especially through the worse days of depression. I feel more at ease with it, so I’m not finding myself beating myself up over living with anxiety and depression. I accept it and just move through it even if it’s just baby steps. It’s just like it says in Psalm 34:17-18:

    “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is closes to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

    So, yeah God and Jesus Christ isn’t going to stop loving you, just because you are facing depression and/or anxiety or any other earthly infliction, even if it’s guilt. He knew what you were going to go through even before you experienced any of the problems you’re currently facing.  In fact, they’ll run over to because you face such problems and have called for their help.

    Best of all, the program has other followers of Christ and not judging one another problems or telling each other to just “pray more”. We do pray, but it’s done with lack of judgement and a lot of heart. Here are two other steps that pertain to this:

    1. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

    “Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

    James 5:6

    1. Having had a spiritual experience as the result for these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

    “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves or you also may be tempted.”

    Galatians 6:1

    There are people who have done meth, lived on Skid Row, and/or been in gangs and not once has any of them said, “My life is worse than yours” or “There are other people who have it worse than you.” Ugh! I have no idea why people think those are wise things to say, but anywho, nobody is judging anybody.  We are just bodies of Christ coming together to overcome our pains and even help our fellow attendees overcome theirs.

    This program, Celebrate Recovery, founded by John Baker of Saddleback church in 1993, is in 20,000 churches nationwide and in more 156 countries. So in other words, it’s bound to be in your neck of the woods. You don’t have to be a member of the local church that sponsors this program. You just come as you are, regardless of who you are or what you have done and be willing to overcome your hurt, habit or hang-ups.

    If you would like further information on Celebrate Recovery, click on the links below:

    “Program helps heal “hurts, hang-ups and habits”

    If you would like readings on how God and Jesus helps you to overcome the troubles in your life, click on the pages below:

    “God Never Said It Would Be Easy”

    “Troubles In Life”

    “Why Won’t God Take My Problem Away?”

    Oooh! Also, I have the “The Road to Recovery” and “Twelve Steps” charts on my page, so be sure to check them out!

    Changes…

    Right now things have been changing in my life… For starters, I will be moving out of my ex's family's place and will be moving in with a girl and her family. I know from one family into another right? But hey…sign of the times. You can't afford a  $1200 studio, but you can only afford to rent a room for $600.  Luckily though my Ex's mother has been helping me, look because I struggling to find good room to rent with decent people and I was finding weirdos via Craig's List. Oi. I just want to find a place to sleep after Uber-ing, going to school and doing student teaching. And most importantly, will not aggravate my already existing  chronic anxiety and depression.  I understand that no place is perfect and everyone has baggage, but I just wanna be in a place where the baggage is trying to be under controlled by the people living there. I got my own already. There was this one place I saw on Craig's List and it said that it would be catered to students and they wanted someone mature and who was clean. But when I got in contact with them, apparently they had someone living with them was the complete opposite and apparently causing hell on earth for them at home. Yeah…. So anyways, this person I will be moving with will not be like that.

    Am I excited about the changes? Ehhhh… Being one who lives with anxiety….no. I went from adjusting from one family's way of living from now having to adjust to another family's way of living. Though some how I have a feeling good things may come from living with the family I'm moving into. Perhaps, because I learned how live with my ex and his family. Living with the EX part especially. It was excruciatingly hard because I still loved him (I still do) and it was hard not being loved by him anymore. Yes, we are good friends now. At first it was hard…not just for me, but for him too. Having an EX live in your house…talk about AWKWARD. He'd avoid being near me, sitting near me….I was still greatly upset about how left me and also on how he had doubted my character, especially living with mental illness.

    As disappointed and heartbroken as I was, I had to move on. Though it was strange….I still loved him in spite of what happened between us. However, I had to live with him and his family in peace (not just because I needed a place to stay). Not to mention in my heart, I didn't feel it was in a sense…completely over between us and his family. There was still good, just now things would be on hold and we need to (especially the both of us) find ourselves again as even he mentioned himself.

    I found myself still praying to God to give me the strength to move past to hurt and continue to love him even though I could no longer do it romantically. And that sucked sooo bad! He himself was always saying, "I hope you still don't have feelings for me." Although I said no, they were still there, just underlock down. I am the type of person to have huge feelings for those I love whether romantically or platonically and to just  not or have someone one to tell you to basically, "drop it" just brakes my heart, you know? Especially knowing me, once I do, I will completely move on. No turning back. With my ex, I don't wanna do that just yet I feel.

    Though while working myself and working for Uber, he came to be a friend again like we began last year and he talks to me more. Perhaps also seeing me carry myself well in his house despite the demise of romantic relationship has also made respect me more. But now with Uber not doing so well, (in terms of it not being busy in our hometown and its neighboring cities) he's feeling "blah" right now. But at least we are still talking. I am still amazed by that. I was hoping he wasn't just calling me a "friend" just to "throw me a bone" or cause he looking into/dating a girl ( I don't think so, but still…It's just so weird.  I'm jealous of just thought of that, especially since he says although he isn't into any even though he has girl-friends. But my crazy self is still freakin out. Ugh! Haven't been this way before. First boyfriend, first Ex, so this is all just sooo new.). I just hope we'll still be in good contact after I leave.

    Then lately I've been attending Celebrate Recovery at my church. It's not just for those who have drug and/or alcohol dependency, but for those who have "hurts, habits and hang up". I've been to one in a previous church, but this one is much better! It's more community based and we actually go over the four books:

    #1: Stepping Out of Denial Into God's Grace

    #2: Taking an Honest and Spiritual Inventory

    #3 Getting Right with God Yourself and Others

    #4 Growing in Christ While Helping Others

    I have been learning a lot and it's also helped me open up more with my mom, sister and my ex, especially about the sexual assault that happened to me. In addition to the CBT therapy I've done in the past as well as taking medication, having a Christ centered recovery group as helped me. My mom was surprised I told her and to my surprise she was very supportive. I thought she was going to blame me and say "I was at fault"…but she didn't. She understood the shame was what held me from telling her what happened.My ex who when we were together knew I was keeping something from him. However, even though I told him about what happened, I never told him the shame I felt. I already felt vulnerable with the kicking out from my family's place, living in his place, being sick as well as dealing with such high levels of depression and anxiety from all that has happened I didn't want him to think less of me and/or leave me… But when I told him (much after we broke up) he seemed to understand and I understood why he asked if I was hiding anything from him. But back then, earlier this year was just a whirlwind of problems.

    Although I am happy things are mending and moving on, I can't help but to worry. I have lost a lot this year, since last actually and I'm afraid of any more changes especially when school resumes by the end of next month. I am scared. I just feel when I am so close to getting so good and/or I am in a happy place, I lose again. I lost my love, I lost my studio, lost the relationship with my brother, I am afraid to lose again. So once again I am excited about the changes that approach me? To be honest, I'm really not sure.