I’m On My Treatment Again!

Haha! This is exactly what I’m going through with right after getting my meds again on the weekend! Yeaaaaa! I FINALLY with my psychiatrist last week, and created a new treatment plan where for the next two weeks I’ll start on lower dosages of my medications and then after that continue going on my original dosage again. Thought it would be a good way to ease my way BACK into it. I mean…I’ve been off my meds for a month and a half and THAT already had impact on me. Now I kinda feel like my me and my body are trying to get reacquainted with the meds as kinda indicated with Sam and Dean above😅

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Supernatural: Unfinished Business: Gabriel Strikes Back

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Sam and Dean accompanying Gabriel, after promising to help them

This season’s Supernatural has had many surprises one of them including one of God’s archangels, Gabriel. In the last post I wrote featuring Gabriel titled, Supernatural: Coming Back From The Darkness Within , we find he was a prisoner of Asmodeous for many years. While he destroyed Asmodeous, he made a kill list of those who put him there in the first place.

They Should’ve Known: Is Their Pain Justified?

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Astral projection of Fenir’s face

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One down…three more sleezebags to go

While Gabriel took down one of the people that ruined his life, it didn’t come without a price. Fortunately, Sam and Dean were town (thanks to a locating spell by Rowena)  to use his Grace for a spell to help them bring Jack and their mom. To their surprised, they see a bloodied Gabriel, who’d they thought would be able to heal himself by now. Sadly, he is still regaining most of his strength/grace back.

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Sam treating Gabriel’s wound after his fight with Fenir

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Sleipnir and Narfi son’s of Loki come to kill Gabriel in revenge of their fallen brethern

After the Winchester Brothers helped Gabriel dispatch of Slepnir and Narfi , they had a “heart to heart” talk with him. Gabriel explained to them it was because of those three (including Fenir) and their “dad” he was sold off to Asmodeous. Dean, being well–Dean, was trying to justify the situation that if Gabriel would have actually stayed and helped  Sam and Dean put Lucifer back in his cage, that he wouldn’t have been that mess.

***Sigh*** Unfortunately, sometimes people can act the way Dean acted in such moments…they just think that if people would’ve just “done this” or “not have not that” that they “wouldn’t have gone through their situation”. It’s just ignorant, simplistic, arrogant and just a plain wrong way of seeing the world and seeing people. And it’s easier to say that when you never even been in that situation. Forgetting that it was by God’s grace you didn’t get in that situation in the first place. We get mad that if people had just think “listened to us” or “done things the same way we do”, they “wouldn’t have” gone through it. It’s important to just make sure we’re not thinking about ourselves even when we don’t like the fact the people we love suffering, because 1. you don’t know that and 2. they need love and support right now, not scorning and judgement.

Pain: Has It Become Another Blue Ribbon Event?

Also like Dean, it’s easy to forget that people have their own pains and hurts, that if we’re not careful, we can kick below the belt. He and Sam’s needs were more important than Gabriel’s and that’s another BIG mistake, because both of their needs ARE important.

One thing, I’ve been very grateful that no matter what social platform I’ve been using— whenever I’m following people that cater to sexual assault awareness or mental health awareness—no one and I mean no one has yet to belittle my circumstances—not by the level of it and not by how long I’ve had the issues. Like there could be someone has underwent sexual abuse as a child, compared to someone like myself who underwent sexual assault as an adult and none of the people I talk to judge my circumstance or say “well at least you went through it as an adult” (because I know some people would have made such similar stupid comments especially those who have NEVER experienced such situations). They just feel good that someone understands them and is willing to hear and receive their words and most importantly, their experiences. It’s sad to say, but I feel that I’ve found more supportive people online than in real life. Not that I don’t mind, but—what is up with that? The point I’m trying to make is we need to stop trying to “compete” over each other’s problems and just start learning to care about one another. Stop with the ridiculousness of trying to shame another’s pain and/or discount their experiences, it’s just plain petty. So am I saying that Dean is being petty right now with Gabriel? Yes…yes I am.

Revenge: Is IT BEST Served Cold?

Well…Gabriel certainly does. Who would blame him I mean…he went through hell, like literally for many years…having Asmodeous bleed him dry (that’s why Gabriel is bleeding out, he doesn’t have enough Grace to heal quickly). If you have either seen my blog or the episode “Bring ‘Em Back Alive”, you WOULDN’T have recognized Gabriel from the earlier seasons of the show. It was like looking a shell of what was formally Gabriel. Even though I couldn’t stand him in the earlier episodes of Supernatural, I didn’t like how he was treated like that. It wasn’t worth it. Whether it was a show or  because Gabriel was an Archangel, he recovered (emotionally) quickly, but the pain still stayed. Like I mentioned in the previous section, Dean was trying to down play Gabriel’s anger and pain and well…revenge…

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Gabriel: Every day, Asmodeous tortured me. Every…day! He fed off my grace for years! He used me, he debased me until I was…What I went through… you don’t forgive. Everyone who had a hand in it will die. Get me?

Those few words…they stood out to me. My assaulter took advantage of me and me for the moment feel less than. Thanks to continued therapy, blogging…I’ve been able to heal better. I mean I no longer look at his Facebook page. I know it’s weird, but I only did that because I was trying “desensitize” his face in my head. When I closed my eyes I saw him….whenever I saw a guy with a similar build, long hair, olive skin, I was terrified. I mean…I’ve gained more weight now from not going outside to exercise (which I use to love doing), because I’m afraid of bumping into him…I’m afraid of bumping into any man (which I while yes, I was always cautious of, I never had this immense fear of men before)…I’m relearning how to trust again and this is why having a therapist has been very essential for me. I’m relearning how to be comfortable in my skin, my re-found love of pop culture (you have any idea how long it took me to get in Naurto??? That’s a topic for another day), not to mention… in who I am. He didn’t only just debase me physically as a woman, he did it verbally too. He made me feel like I wasn’t enough, like I wasn’t smart enough. Never in my life while I have I’ve been too concerned of my gender (I already knew I was, so big deal), I did now. While yes I had a struggled in my self-esteem (due to family hardships,) if there’s one thing that in my heart that pissed me the hell off is my pride…I’m good person, who loves to love and care for others (though I’m still working on doing the same for myself) and try to do my best in everything I do…”dis” me and well… you won’t recognize that same person. So I feel the same as Gabriel…even just thinking of my assaulter boils my blood. I wish I could show retribution, but we all know how the justice system (especially now with our “assaulter” in-chief) will protect assaulters and not the victims. Regardless, how he invaded me emotionally and physically is NOT forgivable.

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Yes…Gabriel “looks” like Loki, but that’s because Loki allowed him to copy his likeness

Dean: Okay, you went through it. We get it. All right? But killing Loki? Not gonna change any of that. It’s not. In fact, probably not even gonna make you feel feel better.

Gabriel: Well, agree to disagree, Dean-o. We all have our demons. Mine are here, in this town.

If you watch the show, demons don’t always look like demons. In fact some of those angels have worked alongside with demons, demons along side with humans and of course the casual demons working with other demons. And sometimes it’s not a demon, it could be an angel or some creature of ancient lore.  Or you find that humans are worse than demons. Either way, it’s never quite “black or white”. And sometimes (although mostly in the mind), they have a tangible form or even body. The point is…wouldn’t it be nice to “kill” our “demons”? So you know when they are “dead” they are “dead”. I wish I could “kill” my memories of my assaulter; I’m tired feeling scared of these memories. Gabriel’s are of Nordic Mythology and living in a nearby penthouse. Huh…go figure.

15 Seconds of Lamelight: It’s NOT About You.

Yes I wrote that on purpose. It’s “lamelight” and not “limelight”. I’ve mentioned this numerous times but I grew up in a domestic household, but noone, not my teachers not my classmates knew about the ongoing turmoil in my life, ’cause well…I pretty much had a smile on my face. While sometimes people could kinda tell when I was “out of it”, everyone presumed my life was peachy keen. I remember one day in high school (I believe it was my sophomore year), I was feeling worse, because at the time things were getting heavy at home and so I talked to a group of friends at the time about it and I remember one off them saying my problems weren’t bad as because they were the youngest in their family and there were people who had it worst that mine. It took a lot of courage for me to tell “my friends” that I had a problem and instead they discounted it.

Look when people come to you with their problems, considers these possible things that are going through their head, when coming to you

  1. It’s an honor. It means they respect you.
  2. They were scared as hell to tell you in the first place.
  3. They need your support.

If they didn’t feel that way for you, they wouldn’t have considered you a friend in the first place.

Gabriel in his own way was asking for help and I believe he had those three things in mind when he talked to them. Again it was wrong of Dean to kind of minimalize Gabriel’s problems just because 1. he was still pretty pissed for Gabriel ditching them when they needed him the most and 2. he’s hellbent on saving their mom and Jack. What I think he should have done is to first put his own feelings/thoughts/experiences in the background and then listened. I feel many people like Dean (now days anyways) react/respond first and listen later. It’s a terrible that people do that. Regardless of whether you went through a situation or not, regardless of whether you’ve been through a similar situation or not, regardless of the situation you’re currently in or not….just don’t be a jerk. It’s just NOT worth it.

But I gotta say…it’s kinda hard to imagine an archangel asking for help, when they are  the ones being prayed to, but it’s Supernatural. What do you expect?

Dean then pulls Sam aside and tells him that assisting Gabriel with his revenge isn’t worth the trouble, remembering how revenge had affected himself and their dad and how it led them to a dead end. Upon talking to Sam then, he then realized and said to Sam that he’s only doing this because of his experience dealing with Lucifer and wishes that he had the chance to kill Lucifer he would. Sam agreed, but reminded him it’s not about him, but about Gabriel.

An Eye for an Eye: Misplaced Anger

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Gabriel impales Loki.

A few scenes later, we find later why Loki turn on him. Gabriel broke the promise of getting involved with his family’s ordeal (because as long as Loki allowed him to use his face to escape from family drama as a “thank you” for helping him break out of the prison that Loki was in eons ago), when he went to that hotel with all the world’s ancient gods and deities—Odin was among those beings that was killed by Lucifer who made a surprise appearance—in order to prevent the end of the world. While Loki and his dad didn’t always see eye to eye, Odin was still his father and was angry that Odin was killed because of Gabriel’s family. So to seek revenge, he turned on Gabriel when he went into hiding and sold him to Asmodeous.

Really??? I mean it wasn’t like it was Gabriel was the one who killed his dad. It was freakin’ Lucifer!  *Sigh* While this post is mostly Gabriel, I’m gonna makes this a little bit about Loki. It’s understandable Loki is grieving, but selling someone to hellish conditions? His dad unfortunately the victim of Lucifer’s own rage, but it wasn’t on Gabriel. Why didn’t he just get back at Lucifer then??? What? He wants to take his anger on a “lesser” vessel???

So what IS misplaced anger exactly? I liked “WiseGeeks” definition: “Displaced anger is anger that has been routed away from a health expression through a coping mechanism.” The article also continues to say:

 In most cases, displacement is the process of moving anger away from the actual target onto a target the mind feels may be safer. This person who bears the brunt of displaced anger may have no idea what happened to cause the anger, thus damaging his or her relationship with the angry person. Anger of this type is also problematic because it does not allow for resolution of the anger itself, and the effects of anger can build up over time.

Touché. I think this describes of the fractured relationship between Loki and Gabriel, because Gabriel should not have been at the blunt of his rage. And because of that EVERYONE got hurt… Gabriel and Loki’s children. Heck, Gabriel killed him. Was it worthwhile (for Loki at least)? No.

But now turning the post back to Gabriel, was it worth it? Speaking from being a survivor myself, not exactly, because if I still haven’t healed from the pain my assaulter (which I’m still healing from), then “no”. And I don’t think that Gabriel hasn’t truly healed, but because this is a show and you can tell it’s not gonna continue to focus on his pain,  then “yes” I think it’s worth it and I’m happy for him.

Conclusion

This episode I could relate to cause I understand what it’s like to want to have revenge on the my assaulter. Another that thing interesting about that episode, was seeing this prominent being–an archangel—-going through the pain and asking for help. I admired this important person being able to have the courage to be vulnerable and ask for help. It was big, even for Gabriel to do, if you have watched him in previous episodes. It doesn’t matter WHO you are, you are NEVER too big to ask for help and your experiences DOES matter and your pain IS valid.

Resource:

What Is Displaced Anger? (n.d.) Retrieved from https://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-displaced-anger.htm

Celebrating 13 Years of “Supernatural Fandom”

Happy #supernatualday !😆😆😆

Just celebrating today with my Supernatural stuff. Funny enough, I remember Supernatural when I was beginning my first year of college, like what? 2005? Good gosh, that’s a LONG time ago! It took me a long time to get into the series, it was only when I discovered my mental health disorders, started my Instagram page (@theresilientezi) and I followed other mental health awareness pages there, I became interested in the show. But the show has so heavily been associated with a “Jared Padalecki”.

While I never got into the show till 2016,  I’ve always heard of the name “Jared Padalecki” and while to admit, he was handsome, I never knew why he was so popular and his name always came up under the names of celebs who live with mental illness. The author of one page told me that he lived with depression…and my mind just exploded!  How does this attractive guy have major depressive disorder??? He’s still been able to have a job in this show for over a decade??? I barely struggled to get out of bed! What he has a family??? So that means there’s hope for me too??? It was a sigh of relief that someone like himself was a high-functioning person with depression and was still able to become the best he could be. How he lived his life with depression, helped keep me encourage to do the same in my life and in my endeavors.

I didn’t get into the show until two years ago after the couple months I was sexually assaulted. I didn’t think I could be myself again, but this show helped me get through it. While the show has been doing well for over 10 seasons, it’s amazing how it has been able to capture–in a sense–life itself…it’s joys, it’s sorrows, it’s relationships…in like a decade. How this show has been able to capture of that it beyond me. And while this show is fictional, all the best and worst of humanity has been depicted very well. It has also been a “place” where people from all walks of life get together, in fact theirs a name that the fans and called it…the “SPN family”. Which it really is and sometimes I wish the real world would reflect that too…not only in conventions.

Supernatural has captured many of life’s themes that makes it easier to identify with. Heck I have too and I’ve often used the circumstances of what various characters have gone through to better explain my situations dealing with life before, during, and after discovering my mental health disorders and sexual assault:

Supernatural: Life After Assault

Supernatural: Coming Back From The Darkness Within

So, I am very grateful for this show, the cast, and its fans for helping me getting back into good graces with myself and my life.

Books featured in the photo:

*Supernatural: Fresh Meat by Alice Henderson

*Supernatural: Heart of the Dragon by Keith R.A. DeCandido

*Supernatural: The Television Series: The Roads Not Taken by Tim Waggoner

*Supernatural Psychology: Roads Less Traveled Edited by Travis Langley and Lynn S. Zubernis

* Family Don’t End In Blood: Cast and Fans on How Supernatural Has Changed Lives Edited by Lynn S. Zubernis