Hey everyone! I’m finally doing another personal journal after so long! I relocated from So. Cal to Nor Cal to live with my mom after dealing with homelessness. Well…I reluctantly moved to Nor Cal. My friend, Robert, pushed me to do it. Most because of a scary incident. One night, I was sleeping in my car on a business parking lot and while I don’t know if this was a random person doing it or an employee’s doing (which I pretty sure it was), they circled their car around the facility several times. I knew it was the same truck, because I recognized the sound of the engine. Whoever it was, it scared me and it worked and darted my way to my friend’s house.
I initially didn’t want to, mostly because of the rift between me and mom, which apparently hasn’t gotten any better either. Heck at first she didn’t want me back, because I rejected her offer to live with her the first time. I didn’t want to live with her, because in the past whenever I had a big exam to do or I was working so hard to still earn a paycheck, she’d complain. It was hard to deal with back then, but I look back then at least I had a roof over my head while I was trying to get my life together. Does it beat being homeless??? Well sad to say it, but it’s a close tie. Instead of staying somewhere, like a library to get away from the heat or just to not be in my car, I (now) do it to avoid getting into arguments with her. The only difference is that I now know I have a place to put my head when I sleep.
I don’t have anything against small towns, but there’s not a lot of places I can chill at compared to back at So Cal. There’s not a lot libraries around for starters. There’s only one! And that library was closed today, on a Friday! In one city I lived in, one city had like 5-6 libraries, including the main library. When the smaller libraries were closed, say on a Saturday, at least the main library would be open. There’s not a lot hang out spots and if there are, they close earlier. So I don’t have a lot of “me” space/time.
Since my relocation up here, I’ve been dealing with migraines, nausea and vertigo for nearly two weeks. So spoiler alert, some of the posts I’ve sent out were ones I worked on days, before the commute. I just wanted to–in a sense–let you know I’m still alive and I haven’t forgotten about you.
I want to say the causes behind the bad ailments were due to moving from a low altitude to a higher altitude environment and because of the stress of being homeless these past few weeks. I usually have a good immune system, but stress/anxiety make me susceptible to colds than anything else. I might as well make a “Welcome” sign to viruses whenever I undergo deep stress.
It doesn’t help that my family hasn’t been very accepting of how my mental health affects my physical health. They think I’m always making excuses or I’m lazy. My sister never asks how I am doing and my mom thinks I’m trying to just live off her. So lately, there have been arguments between me and them and I just got better! Each time I’ve been arguing with them or get stressed out with them, I’ve been getting more chest pain (which is also a physical symptom caused by stress) and I’m not sleeping well. I thought after all the hard work I’ve done for myself and for them, they’d know in spite, even of my unknown mental illness back then, I was still a hard working person then too. I don’t need to prove how hard I’m working I am, but for them to disrespect me because I’m in a low point in my life??? It’s really insulting. It was hard find a part time job in So Cal and the only thing holding me back is my exam to get my physical credential. I’ve been there for every hard time and for every low point and I was expecting they’d a least do the same for me. Not debase me and my circumstances.
When living with anxiety and depression, I have to make sure that I keep both of them balanced, because they both feed each other. If I get too anxious, my mind spins faster to the point I’m too tired and then depression…that gets me tired. However, the feeling bad feelings/emotions/thoughts make me anxious and my head starts spinning and then I get depressed all over again…it’s just a vicious cycle. I can still have a pretty productive day. If I need to take a nap, I set my alarm for one hour (highest an hour and a half), wake up when alarmed and I continue with my day. By the end of the day, I’ve accomplished most of the things I’ve done giving me a goodnight rest to look forward to complete the next day’s task.
Living in a new environment has been hard, because I feel like someone looking for something in the dark. I don’t know where anything thing is and it’s frustrating. Back in So. Cal, whenever I get stress or depressed, I always knew where to go, so that I wouldn’t have to be so down in the dumps or I’d go see a friend or attend “Celebrate Recovery”, but here it’s hard. But thankfully, I’m a pretty resilient and resourceful, so I know I’ll make it through. Though you know what’s really nice? The town’s department wait times. They are so fast! When I lived in Orange County and Los Angeles County any of their county facilities are always busy and so to “alleviate” the crazy wait time later in the day, I’d wake up 5:30 in the morning. There’d still be a line (even though they could open at 8 am), but it wouldn’t be as crazy as going even at 10 am. I attended the city’s county mental health facility at 8:15 am it didn’t take that long at all! In fact there was just one person in front of me. Then again, it is a small town, compared to the OC and LA which are basically major metropolises.
I’m trying to find out away to make things work here, while I get my feet together financially and pass my test. Heck I’m trying to still take on my leisure activities like even blogging. Mom doesn’t want me doing that either, even though I’ve enjoyed writing since I was kid. Things have been hard for me, but I’ve always been tough so I know I’ll make it through. I try not to let my circumstances try to define me. As I use to say to myself, just because my life sucks, doesn’t mean I have to suck. I define who I strive to become in my life and throughout my circumstances.