Right now my cholesterol is high. Not from eating junk food or eating out, but just mostly from stress. I’m only 32 and right now my total cholesterol is at 226. That is way above the recommended of 100-199 (mg/dL). Geez…if car accidents, diseases, cancer, being murdered, childbirth, or even being food poisoned won’t kill me, the stress will. Things have been hard on me for the past year from homelessness to family to worrying about paying for my rent, my cell phone bill, and loans, looking for a job and worrying about those things could actually kill me. That’s a scary thought. I don’t want to die because I was stressed out for not being able to pay my rent. I don’t want that on my tombstone. I don’t want to die young. It may not be now, but it could be in my late 30s/early 40s if this keeps up. I’ve got things to do, things to see and people who and will need me.
Ugh…stress. It doesn’t help I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), PTSD, and depression which I’m taking three types of medication for and then Atorvastatin (stantin) which I’m suppose to be taking (my mom would kill me if she found out I haven’t been taking them, but can you blame me? I’m already taking one medication for GAD, two medications for depression, and one medication to treat my fibroid). I just wanna reduce the stress, without medication you know? I’m really trying. Like putting on an aromatherapy candle I like so much (if you go to Bath and Body works, look for eucalyptus mint. It’s really good for stress), listening to podcasts, listening to audiobooks, reading, watching my favorite TV Show or movie, exercising, talking or text friends, and coloring in adult coloring book…blogging… But whatever it takes, I will try my very best to reduce my overall stress levels so I can reduce my cholesterol.
So today I drove for Uber again around a city in Los Angeles. I picked up and eventually dropped off my first passenger for the day. Then, I picked up my second….I found out I’d be driving through the same street where my sexual assaulter lives. And not only that around his apartment complex. Already was my heart beating and memories of me with him coming up. Even though I knew the person I was picking up was not him, I could not help but to be hyper-vigilant. I was looking around the area to know where I was so I could avoid him and take off. I also I “made sure” he wasn’t looking at his cellphone as if he was requesting for an Uber.
I found out though I wasn’t going to be near his apartments which meant I wasn’t going to see him. But I was still around his neighborhood and I could still have a chance of seeing him. So, here I was in my car with my body shaking and my heart still beating. Fortunately, I was only picking up a high school student from his school. However…I found myself going back to his neighborhood! The student needed a ride to a boxing gym that was in a plaza…a plaza in my assaulter’s neighborhood. I tried to keep myself calm and collected while I was driving him to his destination & making him feel comfortable…while I was still looking for my assaulter without getting into a car accident. *sigh* He wasn’t around the area…or at least where I could see. I felt myself relax as I dropped off my passenger at his destination.
Whenever (which is basically everyday) I am in my assaulter’s neighborhood…street…this is it: racing heart, involuntary flashbacks, shame… Bad back pain though…eesh. I don’t like living like this…living in fear. I always THOUGHT I new what it was, because I always lived with generalized anxiety disorder. Years after my assault, I eventually realized how my body goes into “mode” whenever I around where he lives. I’d rather live with a bad back, than this ANY day.