You Are Good The Way You Are?

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My Story

I wrote this mid-Oct and I thought I sent this back then…but I guess not.😕 I sent my most recent posts out now, but I sent it on scheduled. Guess it’s been while since I’ve used WordPress even on the app.😕😕😕 So till those two post come around…9:12 tonight, just read this one for now.

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Hey guys it’s been awhile. Just dealing with a LOT right now…finding work (no Ubering), student-teaching, going to school, overcoming cyberbulling (I’ll explain later)… Meantime till I get the time, here’s a post I put on my Facebook page recently around the topic of #metoo:

I’ve put up a couple of posts here or there about me being sexually assaulted or even the latest one being harassed by men who denouncing my views on a video that had a “comedian” posing as an Uber driver who was harassing two female passengers as he was driving them to their destination.

Though as I’ve mentioned BEING sexually assaulted, I’ve NEVER mentioned the story of HOW here. Why??? It’s embarrassing. Why??? I’m afraid of being judged. Why??? Because talking about means going through that night ALL over again. Why??? Because it’s confusing… Why me??? Was it something I said on my one-time dating profile that said, “Oh I hope I get chosen to be raped???” Why did he think it was okay to take advantage of my kindness towards his sad life (I mean that figuratively and literally)? Why did he think it was okay take advantage of my naivety??? Why did he think it was okay to pretend to honor and respect my values??? Do you know how hard it is EVEN for me to enjoy reading comic books??? I can’t enjoy reading them without struggling to disconnect them to my assaulter! Even when I was talking on the phone LONNNNNG before I met him in real life, he HAD to build trust to take advantage of me. You know what the worst part was??? I kept seeing him! Even after I kept waking up in the middle of the night dreaming (but more of a nightmare) the parts of my body he touched EVEN when I told him “no” many times over, I kept seeing him. However at the time, I no idea during all those times I messaged him on the site, “Ok Cupid”, he was trying to (and succeeded) get into my mind BEFORE he could get into my body. The thing is…even if you tell a guy harassing you “no”, you NEVER plan on what to do next, because 1. it is always taught by society you say “no”….and nothing else. “However”, if the assault happens anyway, it’s “consensual” and “your fault”🙄😒😑😑😑 2. How do you explain to your friends and family what happened to you, when you’re too busy trying to overcome your shame? 3. Speaking for myself as someone who never experienced sex before (and wasn’t trying too) your trying to understand the sensations, which by the way weren’t the good ones. 4. My assaulter coerced me on how I should feel about it and that I “wanted” it. Although we never did “it”, dry humping was something I never wanted either, but for him, it was his way of showing me how good he was going to be if we actually did “it”. Not to mention the pride of teaching a Virgin. But I told him even as we were making out, no sex but he saw it as me “being a tease”. I was saving myself for someone special. Then he started to find little ways to “get into my pants”, like “wanting to see” what underwear I was wearing but to my shame I did, since I thought he would respect my desires of no sex, but…he didn’t.

Even as I write this I’m shaking, horrified on what I felt I “allowed” happen to me even when I stopped seeing him. “How did I allow some fool take advantage of me ONLY to become the bigger fool at end???”, I find myself saying to me from time to time. So if you’re wondering why so many women of Hollywood are just NOW saying Harvey Weinstein raped/sexually assaulted them, now you know why. Especially when these many women were at one point starting to build their names in Hollywood. There was that shame and then there was the fear of their careers, their dreams being derailed, which my mom feared for me too if I reported my assaulter. So if you’re wondering why me or even the actresses “allowed” ourselves to be raped/sexually assaulted and NEVER reported it, please don’t judge. Because if you HAD experienced rape, you can’t reaaaally believe that YOU would have known “what to do” 🙄😒😑 or what you would have “looked for” and then blame victims for failing NOT to do so. Rape—how it happens and WHY it happens—is not that simple. Not that simple at all.