Tag: Rowena

Supernatural: Beat The Devil…Beat Your Demons

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It’s been a LONG while since this episode aired, but after watching this past Thursday’s episode, had just HAD to get back into writing it again! Due to sooo much happening this past year, I almost forgot about this post.

Season 13 was filled with a lot of surprises and familiar faces. Relationships and hookups we didn’t see coming as shown below…

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Gabriel (Richard Speight, Jr) and Rowena (Ruth Connell) look like they’re having some sort of hanky panky.
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Dean (Jensen Ackles) and Sam (Jared Padelecki) are looking confused, yet looking reluctant to NOT figure out what’s happening between the archangel and the witch.

And yet the few earlier scenes, have made a lot of sex joke references. But for me what was funny was how the episode was mentioning the jokes without really trying to mention it.

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Referring to Gabriel’s grace to a man with erectile dysfunction disorder. So horrible!

Now To The Real Issue…

All jokes aside, for me, the episode was a tough episode. The thing was both Rowena and Gabriel have been hurt by Lucifer, however in order to help save and bring back Jack and Sam and Dean’s mom from Apocalypse World, they had to face their demon. Like, literally and figuratively had to face them, which was well the Devil himself. They had no choice. I mean well, Gabriel wasn’t able to produce any more grace (see my previous posts: Supernatural: Coming Back From The Darkness Within and Supernatural: Unfinished Business: Gabriel Strikes Back), so Team Freewill had to go to the next best source: Lucifer.

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Rowena and Gabriel trapping Lucifer

Speak of The Devil…

I couldn’t imagine trying to trap my assaulter. I mean…just thinking about filing a police report against him scares me. It’s not so much of the process that scares me, but having to see his face again. Having to see my innocence and vulnerability taken away…again. Now some of you may be thinking, it’s selfish of me not to report him, forget about the other women who may be hurt by him or why now and not three years ago? When you’re sexually assaulted, your assaulter doesn’t just take advantage of your body, but your mind too. Your self esteem is shot. You have to grapple with the thought about how could you have not seen this coming and/or what did you do or say or wear, that made them think it was okay to hurt you??? I mean speaking for myself, because until the time I was 28, I thought sex could have only been done vaginally. I never thought there were other ways and byways sex could have been done. I wasn’t sexually active and so interested about as most people were growing up.

Sam, Castiel, Rowena, and Gabriel have been violated by Lucifer…. Sam (who was originally supposed to be his vessel) was tortured by Lucifer, when he was stuck with him in “Lucifer’s Cage”. Next was Gabriel who we thought was killed by Lucifer (he later went into hiding in Monte Carlo). Then we have Castiel who was tricked by Lucifer, so he could have access to his body. And lastly, we have Rowena who was tragically killed by Lucifer. He has physically and mentally abused them, but fortunately the four of them have gained back some resilience.

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With a few ingredients and Pint (or pints?) of Lucifer’s grace, it powers the portal to take the boys to Apocalypse world)

So anyway, without Lucifer knowing Sam, Dean, Cas, and Gabriel were going to an alternate universe to save Jack (Lucifer wants his son back), the boys went on while  leaving Rowena alone with him. For a sec, I was kinda worried about that, because she’s in the room with the same guy who abused—no, killed her the first time. I can’t imagine how much strength she must have had (even with her full power restored. See post: Supernatural: Life After Assault)


Lucifer: I’m just trying to have a good time with you like last time. Remember that? When I surprised you at your hotel room? Oh. I mean, I even wanted you to put up a fight. I wanted a little bit of a tussle, but [sighs] you froze. You choked. So I choked ya. What was that like, burning to death? You know, I can’t get that smell out of my nose, that…ashy reek of burnt up ginger! [Laughs]

We’ve all heard at some point this question, “Why don’t victims leave their abusers when they are being physically or sexually abused?” Apart from my own personal experience, it’s biology or called “fight-flight-freeze mechanism”. We’ve all heard about “fight or flight”, but when this situation occurs it’s not that simple. According the Psychology Today article, “Why Women Freeze During Sexual Assault” by Dr. Devon MacDermott, your body…your brain…is just focused on surviving the threat. The parts of the brain that responsible for example, reason and abstract thought, sensing your own body and mind, planning, and speech production is temporarily shut down. Using a less threatening example, recall a time you are giving a speech to large group of people. You may feel upset, unable to speak, or unable to speak articulately (MacDermott, 2018). That is a “fight-flight-freeze mechanism.”

On a biological level, your brain is trying to keep you alive, by redirecting energy into different parts of your body and brain (MacDermott, 2018). For example, the brain may be the blood flow and nutrients to the “safety parts” of your body or brain, instead of the “thinking parts”. Your input of from your five senses and your emotions and the output to your body get more attention than your abstract thought and problem solving (MacDermott, 2018).

According to the article, the most common mental symptoms of freeze are:

  • Your thoughts get cloudy or your mind goes blank
  • You feel panicky but without a sense of direction
  • You feel hopeless or trapped
  • You have a strong desire to get out of the situation or make something stop but you don’t know how
  • You feel that any action you take might make the situation worse and it seems better to do nothing

I’ve felt bullet points 2-5.

While  in terms surviving the wild, this mechanism of “fight or flight”  has been useful in avoiding attacks, unfortunately in terms of physical or sexual assault, it’s not. Also other forms of trauma are most like to build the “fight-flight-freeze” mechanism into your body like, body shaming, manipulation, frequent invalidation, or had repeated feelings of powerlessness over your body’s safety, sexual consent, or boundary violations (MacDermott, 2018).

Devil’s Advocate

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Rowena: You want to get inside my heat, twist the knife? Two can play that game.  Do you know what your grace is making possible right now? The heartfelt family reunion of Sam, Dean, Cass, Mary, and your very own son Jack. That’s right. Your wee boy’s over there, and he’ll be so glad to see his three fathers. Of course, as far as he’s concerned, they are his father. And you? You’re nothing to him. Or me. Or anyone now. Nothing.

I know sometimes if feels it’s best to taunt your assaulter or stand up to them, but you know what I’ve learned? Don’t. Just don’t. Speaking for myself, it’s not because I feel weak, it’s just I’m trying to protect myself from being taking advantaged of again.  I feel he’s already penetrated my mind, so he knows how to lure me back into his life by either giving or saying something I like or by trying to have me respond to something I clearly don’t like. I’m all for defending my honor and all, but defending my honor is also by leaving my ego where he is and walking or possibly running as far as I can from him. I can always regrow my ego, but entertaining him….hell no.

I use to have him as my instagram buddy (again at the time I had him as an IG buddy, I had no idea this whole time he was assaulting me). He sent me a direct message asking me how I was doing. As much as I wanted to respond to that, because I do to people I’m familiar with, I just felt I’d be stepping into a rabbit hole I just got myself out of. Innocent question, not-so-innocent guy. A couple minutes later, he wrote, “So I guess that’s a no.” And you know what? That’s fine. He answered his own question, but regardless, I wasn’t going to entertain him anymore. I already entertained him with my naivety about sex, I’m not giving him any more of me. F*ck that.

So if you want to face your assaulter, make sure you take your crew with you, because if not, they might screw with your head again. Never be alone whether in person or via social media. And you always…let me repeat…always remember you have a right not to talk or even be around your assaulter. Period. Protecting your physical, emotional, and/or mental well-being, should always come first.

Crocodile Tears

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Lucifer: Aw, Red, you shouldn’t have made me mad. Step into my office. You know…you and Gabe, kicked me when I was down. I didn’t have any fight. I didn’t have anything to live for. But you, you, you gave me something to fight for again. My boy. So for that, that I’m gonna be quick.

I can’t believe how Red—I mean Rowena, must have felt in those first few seconds that she was in Lucifer’s clutches. I mean, first of all he was back in his clutches again and two I’m sure those seconds felt like minutes.

Lucifer tried to make Rowena (and Gabe) look like THEY were the bad guys. Making them feel as if he was the one being kicked around (although he’s stronger than the both of them; Gabe is out of grace). He ignored the fact that he had hurt SO many people in his wake, that one person does him wrong or one thing goes wrong, he feels victimized.

Whether the assaulter is male or female this is one tactic these use: emotional abuse. So what is emotional abuse? Well emotional abuse is:

“any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.”

(Tracy, 2016)

But remember…the whole point of emotional abuse is to discredit, isolate, and silence the victim (Gordon, 2018). They achieve this by:

  • Displaying unrealistic expectations
  • Invalidate you
  • Creating chaos
  • Using emotional blackmail
  • Acting superior and entitled
  • Isolating and controlling you
  • This form of abuse is by far the hardest one to identify. My guess is because when it comes some you know and/or love or from a respected person, THESE relationships makes it hardest to identify. For Rowena, at one point she respected Lucifer BECAUSE he was powerful…and she didn’t want killed by him. Now, because she respects him (in a way) because she knows he’s powerful enough to be killed by him again. Usually the last reason is why assault victims are more likely to feel hopeless or helpless by their assaulter because they don’t want to be put through the pain again. You’ll do ANYTHING to not be put through that pain again or to experience more pain.
  • Beat The Devil

  • After realizing what she had done

    Rowena: [Grunts] Defendatur!

    Rowena’s spell propells Lucifer into the portal

    Rowena: Bullocks

    Now unintentionally by Rowena (although perhaps antagonized by Lucifer) she used a spell that blasted them him into the portal where the boys were. Oopsies.

    But can I point out something here…I loved the same of Rowena’s spell, “Defendatur”. While it’s quite an obvious name to give a defensive spell, I wish I had a spell like that could work in the real life. While we don’t have spells to cast off villainous folk, there are ways we can defend ourselves from would be assaulter. Here are some of my suggestions:

    • Kick ’em where it hurts. Sounds violent, but whether your assaulter is a male or female or even a family member, fight. You deserve the right to protect and fight for yourself. When I was Ubering, I carried my pepper spray, but sadly I didn’t use it. Why? I was afraid of hurting the passenger. While I never though a man would dare put his hand on my thigh. I NEVER thought I’d have see someone be in pain. And I get it…it’s in my nature to be nurturing and caring, but there are times I have to be willing to fight and protect myself. Besides there’s a law that protects people for defending themselves right?
    • Take martial arts classes. There are all types: Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Do, Kickboxing, Jiu-Jitsu, boxing, Muai Tai, as well as just basic self defense practices. Take em’. It’s fun! Myself I’ve done Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do.
    • Weapons. Carry a stun gun or pepper spray or gel.
  • Conclusion

  • Listen… whether you are a man or woman who has been abused, you deserve a right to be okay. You deserve a right to be safe. You deserve a right to fight and protect yourself. You deserve a right to be happy and be in a safe environment. I don’t care how long ago the abuse happened, whether you remembered or not, whether you were naive or not or a child or not, you deserve all those things I mentioned okay? Live your life and be happy.
  • References

  • Gordon, S. (2018). How To Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse. Retrieved from, https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673
  • MacDermott, D. (2018). Why Woman Freeze During Sexual Assault. Retrieved from, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-trauma/201805/why-women-freeze-during-sexual-assault

  • Tracy, N. (2018). Emotional Abuse: Definitions, Signs, Symptoms, Examples. Retrieved from, https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-definitions-signs-symptoms-examples
  • Supernatural: Life After Assault

    One of the latest episodes of Supernatural titled, “Various and Sundry Villains”, I thought it hit a great note especially for those like myself who were sexually assaulted. In fact, it was one of the reasons why I delayed writing this article (as well as other events that I have experienced) from the two weeks that it aired. It resonated with me.

    In this scene as viewed in the picture above, you have Sam babysitting Rowena in their ’67 Chevy Impala, while Dean inquires about two young witches in a nearby town who have stolen a book from the brothers, the Black Grimoire. Sorry if this is a spoiler alert,  when you see that—oh, wait… Rowena is alive…again! After being killed by Lucifer, not once, but twice.

    Lucifer as Castiel, snaps Rowena’s neck (Her first death)
    Lucifer, back in his vessel, incarcerates Rowena
    Rowena’s Second Death

    See, the Black Grimoire is not just a book of witchcraft, but also where the Grand Coven, Rowena’s former coven, bound her true powers in a page of the book. Her coven seeing that Rowena’s methods were well–risque, bound most of her powers in the book.

    The witches two: The Plum Sisters with tbe Grimoire they store from the Winchester Brothers

    While Sam and Rowena wait upon Dean, the two had a rather heart to heart talk. Sam asks why she wants the book back so much and Rowena states it’s so she can reclaim her true powers back and better protect herself from Lucifer in case he shows up again. She never wanted to feel vulnerable again, after the way he made her feel and of course, nearly took her to the grave.

    Sam: Okay, Sure, Let’s say you get the book. It’s not gonna change anything. You’re still gonna feel helpless. What Lucifer did to you—

    Rowena: Told you, I don’t… [Hesitates] Before he crushed my skull, Lucifer showed me his face. His true face.

    Maybe…yeah…I haven’t seen the face of Satan before (Godforbid *Does the sign of the Cross*), but I understand what it’s like to see the true face of your assaulter. On the outside he looks like a “regular guy”: a friend, a co-worker, a love interest, someone’s son…then once they hurt you, it’s like a 360 of who they really are. My assualter I met on the online dating site, “Ok Cupid”. After seeing his profile, exchange numbers, talking to him over the phone and text and seeing him in person, I thought, I really knew him…I mean, it took me about a month, until I thought I could feel sure enough to meet him in person.  But of course, it wasn’t enough and he did not only take a part of my body with him, but a part of myself too. As if there were like a crack in my psyche, that I wondered would ever be restored. Even though it’s only a chunk of me, it still made up a large part of who I am. He violated my trust, he used my interests such as pop culture to lure me into his lies of deception. I thought he respected me, I thought I could trust him and instead, he treated me as if I were some vermin…someone who was lower than he was. And because of that now, I’m afraid of getting close with any man, I feel some sort of hate/fear towards men, I’m afraid of sharing my interests with anybody, especially men…I was never like this before he assaulted/raped me. It doesn’t make it easy now as an Uber driver, where I pick up men, especially drunk men and especially, especially when I’m driving around his neighborhood. I mean…my anxiety levels go through the roof whenever I do. I’m afraid that he will harm me in some way again.

    In case you don’t know and/or don’t remember, in the much earlier seasons of Supernatural, Sam and Dean were supposed to be involved a fight where archangels and brothers, Lucifer and Michael were suppose to be fighting for the domination of Earth, where Sam was possessed by Lucifer and Dean by Michael. Dean wasn’t possessed by Michael, but Sam was by Lucifer for a brief second. However, Sam/Lucifer and the Winchester’s newfound brother, Adam Milligan who was now possessed by Michael was pushed into Lucifer’s cage. Episodes later, we find Sam is soulless, because while Castiel rescued Sam’s body, Sam’s soul was still “stuck” with Lucifer, where Lucifer was torturing him, but Death was able to restore Sam’s soul. And since then Sam has been trying to recover especially after being tortured by Satan in the cage. Crazy right? This was all in like what??? Late season 5 and 6? Correct me fellow Supernatural fans, if I’m wrong.

    Being possessed by and tortured by the devil…mmm…I can’t imagine how Sam must feel, but in a sense I’ve been “possessed” and “tortured” of devils of my own: shame and rage, especially with the memories of my assailant. It can be hard to can a goodnight’s sleep sometimes.

    How I heal is by helping others…helping others console with their pains, writing in this blog, teaching kids…it helps me get away from my problems. I don’t help others to get away from pain for this reason, but helps me have power over my life and helps me have purpose, after being told—being infiltrated by someone else both psychologically, emotionally and physically—that I’m nothing. I’m able to help kids where I student-teach at with their studies and their personal problems.  I student-teach at a high school who caters to students from low-income families and problems at home and I can relate with that. Helping kids know there is someone who cares for them is what I want to do especially knowing I too felt that way when I was growing up. Like when a kid told me they were cyberbullied, I was able to tell my story of being cyberbullied. It helped her feel not alone and that someone understood and cared for her. So, really have I healed from my pains as Sam as healed from his pains? Not really, because you’re out helping others and trying to live the rest of your life day by day. Though every now and then the memories sticks with you: the remorse, the shame, the vulnerability.

    It took me about six months to tell my brother and my boyfriend and about a year till I told my mom and sister. It was hard to tell them, because more than half the time I was trying to decipher what had happen to me….untangle the shame, confusion, denial, anger and depression that went with it. I mean…yeah I went into his house, but his house wasn’t an excuse for rape/sexual assault. He was so charming, but yet conniving at the same time. I never had sex before, so I had no idea what—at the time—what dry humping was…was that sex??? What IS sex exactly? I moaned, but did that mean that I liked it??? After I stopped being in contact with him, I looked up what moaning was while having sex and found only a few women actually moaned. So then there was the shame of me moaning, because it may been misconceived as “enjoyment” when really it was reflex.

    Reflex  (adjective)

    Physiology. noting or pertaining to an involuntary response to stimulus, the nerve impulse from a receptor being transmitted inward to a nerve center that in turn transmits it outward to an effector.

    Source: Dictionary.com

    Then at the same time, there was that fear of being judged by those closest to me. Having to go through the events “again” by revealing what happened to me to them…I wasn’t ready to face that memory again. How DO you explain your trauma, when you yourself are trying to understand what happened to you?

    Lately, I’ve been trying to acquire defenses to defend myself. I’ve found myself trying not share my interest with anyone, especially men in fear of being taken advantage of through that. Then while Ubering, I have with me pepper spray and a stun gun. I’m trying to protect the rest of myself, after losing a part of myself three years ago. Like, Rowena, I don’t want to be powerless anymore, I want to be strong and powerful against forces that may want to do me wrong.

    Sam: Even if you do get the book, and even if you get your power back, it won’t matter. You’ve ever be able to change what happened. You won’t ever be able to change how helpless you felt, or how helpless you feel. You’re still gonna get scared. And that feeling…that feeling never goes away.

    Rowena: Never?

    Sam: Never.

    Yeah…it sucks knowing that the reason why I’m doing all those things is because I remembered how helpless I felt…how naive I was… I feel that now I have to protect myself. I’m hypervigilent all the time and I’m more self-conscious than I ever have been, so it may take sometime until I’ve really recovered.

    Without spoiling the rest of the rest of the episode, Rowena gets her powers back with the reluctance of Sam and Dean.

    Rowena to Sam: You know what I’ve seen, what it’s like. Lucifer may be locked away, but he’ll be back. He always come back. And when he does… [inhales sharply] I can’t be helpless again. I need the spell.

    Yes…there is always fear of running into my assaulter, because there is this fear that I will run into him and I have to be ready especially emotionally and psychologically ready for that day…whenever that will be.

    Anyways, Rowena since she has got her powers back, seems to also have taken her confidence to a whole new level. Hopefully Rowena will get the peace she’s seeking and that her powers will protect her from her confrontation with Lucifer…again.

    The witch is back

    I felt that episode of Supernatural really captured life after assault and I was really impressed.