Social Anxiety 2: The Foreboding Future


Earlier this morning, I had a hard time sleeping., Even with the anti-anxiety meds I’ve been taking (it causes drowsiness. Or at least I feel drowsy). I woke up at 4 a.m. I tried playing games on my phone. Nope that didn’t work. Then I read a book, but that didn’t help either. So what’s the reason? The Teacher Job Fair. That’s the reason.

Yesterday was the teacher job fair at my school and I was hoping I’d actually get hired here, but turns out it was more of a screening, so that when I applied either on their school website or Edjoin, school employers at least know they’ve met me in person and that they’re familiar with me. Anywho, I made cover letters and resumes to the top 11 school districts I wanted to work for that were near where I lived. Whether it was in Los Angeles County or Orange County at least I was familiar with those areas.  Out of 11 schools I applied for 2 of them didn’t show up, 1 of them left early and 3 of them had long lines—mostly because the schools were closer to home and didn’t want to go to the desert areas and Nor Cal (Northern California). And I don’t blame them. I mean most of these places (although still part of California), were far away from the places and people they were familiar with. A good half of employers were from desert areas, Nor Cal and a bit of  Central California. Those areas were empty.  I know about two desert school districts were offering either Stagecoach tickets or Coachella tickets.

It was already hard enough I felt like an idiot not having a few tidbits on 2 or 3  of school districts I wanted to work for, then I felt even more guilty for the schools who basically pulled me over to their table (which were the desert areas and parts of Northern and Central California I did not want to work for) to come work for their district because I was a Special Education teacher. What I hate about anxiety/social anxiety is that I already had set amount of schools I wanted to meet (even though I made four general resume and covers just in case) and that was it. I had an idea what I wanted to say (including some schools I was not too familiar with their district). However, when it was something I was not ready for or people I wasn’t able to meet, it throws me off; I get nervous, I procrastinate, I don’t do anything else, I start freaking out…I hate it. I struggle a lot with “going with the flow” or being open to try new things, or being flexible or meeting new people, because well… it takes me a lot of energy to adjust the situation and people. I mean…I literally get exhausted. Although if you met me in person, you’d probably never know I struggled with an anxiety disorder, because as people say I’m so “bubbly” or I’m so “personable”. Meh.

So here I was, being pulled table to table, with employers offering me either bonuses or again like I mentioned earlier offering “Stagecoach” or “Coachella” tickets just to even come visit their schools (I knew I should have brought my business cards). Although, I did not like how I was kinda chided to come to their tables, I wanted to remain open just in case. You know what made me feel terrible (also explains why I couldn’t sleep through this morning)? Even in spite of the offers and even upon hearing how great some of these schools’ special education departments were, I didn’t want to leave my LA/OC area. I’m not solely objecting their schools because of their extreme weather of hot and cold (for California, chilly is cold for us; especially So Cal.) or because I wasn’t ready to move all the way to those schools or because of my friend, Robert (former boyfriend), but really I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle meeting new places or people. Again as mentioned earlier, it takes a lot of energy for me to adjust and because I’ll be getting use to the school site and their special education department (which I know will be different from the school site I’m student-teaching at), it would even take me more energy.

Currently I live in my childhood hometown with roommates (who smoke weed every now and then. I don’t know how people smoke up that stuff. It’s stinks like crap. I’ll talk about about my roommates later.), so I don’t live my family. While I do have my brother who lives nearby, my mom and sister live in Nor Cal and while I do miss us all being together at least I know the stores we use to grocery shop and I know places I can hang out when I’m stressed. I mean, it’s So Cal, there are lot of things to do even for homebodies like me. I have my church here, the women from my “Celebrate Recovery” class, my friends, my therapists…I have my support system here. While yes, I can call them, it’s different when meeting them in person. I feel like I can talk to them more in person (for some reason) and I can see them and touch them, than calling them on the phone or even using skype or something. My familiars are here, even when I live alone.

Going to a new place scares me, because of the adjustment. Going to a new place scares me, because I will be going to places and meeting people that I’ve never met before and I’m not so comfortable meeting new people. I’ve heard that Nor Cal’s way of life is different from So Cal’s way of life, especially in terms of interacting with one another. So, I know I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. My fear is that people will take advantage for me either because I’m not familiar with the area. It doesn’t help that people my whole life have called me either “naive” or “gullible”, so I’m even more afraid of meeting new people. Then what if I something bad happens to me? What if I get raped/sexually assaulted again? It was already hard enough to deal with my family, even we all lived together and friends. Yes I can call or text them, but it isn’t the same especially when I need a hug. Heck, I miss my mom’s hugs right now even though I live in the same hometown where most of my family use to live. Three years after the sexual assault, I have been very to myself. If I had already struggled talking to people already, well the experience made it worse. I’m too terrified, for example, to tell people about my favorite movies and shows. I’m too terrified to talk about my life, I’m too terrified to get close to people…. So yeah… I’m not too excited. I really, really, really hate how that experience has affected me in all aspects of my life.

But really there are so many opportunities about moving up to Nor Cal….having a $9000 paid bonus that would definitely help for moving, a new life, moving to a possibly great school with a great team of colleagues,  having a great pay for a first year teacher, buying my first house maybe even find a husband and starting a family… I mean…the recruiter was even offering to help me find a church! But the only thing holding me back is my anxiety and fear. I’m really not proud of myself. I’m just not.

So here I was being pulled from one table to the next, with other public schools and charter schools. I’m kinda skeptical about charter school because 1. I don’t think they offer pensions and 2. I’m not really familiar with charter schools and how they work. From what the recruiters tell me, its for students who schools have  given up on or for families who feel their child will benefit from…something like that. I think they are relatively a new form of education. I remember how they were mentioned in “60 Minutes” in the early 2000s. I also avoided schools that could have given me a shot in the hiring process, but I’m too terrified of moving to those areas! I mean what if they don’t have a therapist in those areas??? What if the nearest “decent” therapist isn’t in the 10 miles??? I don’t want to resort to having a therapist I can either call or text. When I lived with my mom, whenever I feel just a tiny bit sad, I would go in my mom’s bed and lie next to her as she’d watch, “Dancing With the Stars” or something. I really loved my mom’s hugs and the moments we had together and her cooking! I miss her cooking! Depression makes me not take care of myself as well as I should and with her around me she either made me food or pushed me to cook for myself. Though she is not here, at least I have my brother and my friends to comfort me whenever I feel down and out and I could go to them if I feel sad. I wouldn’t have that if I moved into the desert areas or to Nor Cal. Yeah, I’ll make friends eventually, but  I still need a support system I can go to right away, you know? So, yeah…these were the thoughts that plagued me at the event and throughout the night.


Spirituality and Me

Lately, I’ve been very tired. Could be because I have been not eating food with protein. It could be also because I have been learning so much about my speciality (in special education) through my student teaching experiences these past few months. So lately, I’ve been trying to go to bed on time. Nope still tired. How about shortening my hours with Uber? Hmm…while that has been nice not having to start Uber from 5 in the morning, so I can be back at my student teaching site before 10am, that hasn’t helped either. Okay…maybe because I have not been consistent with my antidepressants. It helps, but still no… Ugh!

So yesterday after two weeks, I went back to church. I haven’t been because I’ve been trying to catch up on my homework and student teacher assignments. But I gotta say after going to church my I felt recharged again! Man! Without my spiritually would continued to feel the deep chasm that I call, depression. Holy crap! I could have continued to be a mess this week without that!

I feel with God in my life, He has given me strength that I couldn’t do on my own. He has given me blessings (especially this year), I couldn’t believe I could have ever received..or even asked for! While yes there is, of course, Christianity the religion I follow, my relationship God is what really matters to me. I have been to the Mormon church and to the Catholic Church. I met people who call themselves, “Christians” but it seems that it’s just a label to to some “Christians”…but God has been my constant through. After all, human beings can disappoint you, even those nearest and dearest to you. And having Him in my life has helped me humble myself (I’m trying to at least) when those relationships fail and/or disappoint me.

Having God in my life has helped me to rely on Him than rely on myself (again, I’m trying to). When living with both anxiety AND depression, they leave me in such a disarray. Anxiety makes me feel like I have the “whole world is on my shoulders” or that “nobody” likes me or that I can’t trust other people or to expect nothing but bad and/or hard times in life. On the other hand, depression makes me that I’m not good enough or life sucks in general or I’m “behind in my life”. But with God, He reminds me that I’m His child and that He will be my strength in the hard times. He will be a friend to the friendless or that:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:36 NIV

“Seek your happiness in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desire.” Psalm 37:4 (Can be used when hoping for a spouse)

“The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18 (Good when hoping for a spouse)

Yeah, these a but a few scriptures I used when I feel down or hopeless and that I’m more than my problems that I am a child of the most High God. It’s not to say that I never experience depression or anxiety, but having my spirituality in tact, keeps me in check…especially in the times we live in. It was because of my faith in God, He has gotten me and family through some pretty tough scrapes. It was because of God, my depression and anxiety hadn’t completely over taken me. It was because of God that He has given me the grace to overcome my previous experience with sexual assault everyday.

Now you’re probably wondering “If God is SO great why does He let bad things happen? Why are you living with mental illness and why did He allow that hideous situation to happen to you?” To be honest, I don’t know and I’m not going to “pretend” I do. Heck… aren’t there are somethings we do and then after the situation has taken place, you ask yourself, “Why did I do that?” Even our own actions will be a mystery to ourselves, much less knowing why bad or good things happen. I do know as according to the Bible, as long as we live in the world of the flesh, we live in a world that is unfortunately, covered by sin. Look in the book of Genesis. In this life, again unfortunately, bad things can still happen to good people, even if they are Christian. As much as I wish that label would be a guarantee that I wouldn’t face any hardship or that I wouldn’t undergo pain or disappointment or that I wouldn’t experience health problems, that is not how Christianity works. Christianity is a way of life which gets harder with each passing age of time. But I have faith that God will give me the strength in this sinful world to overcome its hardships. This world, this life, while it can be beautiful and wonderful, can still be difficult and painful. Trust me…my anxiety and depression remind me that everyday. But all I know is as long as my spirituality is in tact and my relationship with God is constant, I’ll be fine.

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” Psalm 28:7

Therapy: What To Expect From Your Therapist (Especially On Your First Time)



As as of right now, I am attending three therapy sessions: Celebrate Recovery at my church, therapy at my school, and therapy outside of school. The one I am seeing is outside of school is mainly for me to deal with relationship issues and overcome my sexual assault experience and therapy in my school is mostly to deal with my anxiety and depression. Then there’s is my sessions with my psychologist at school, where I can also get more prescription on my meds, but that’s like one a month.

Yeah I have my hands full with all three of those sessions in addition to student-teaching, going to school and work. Whew! But I’m happy, because I’m able to have the help I need to get through the week. And I feel like I’m getting what I need emotionally and spirituality too, because my spirituality has helped me keep me going in spite of my mental illnesses. I’m learning about relationships through the relationships I’m developing in all those sessions, which then is helping me have a better relationship with myself as well.

So how did I happen to get such wonderful people? Well…to be honest…luck and trial and error. I’ve gone through 5 therapists and I’ve been to a previous Celebrate Recovery event at a church I use to attend, so I’ve learned what I’ve wanted and not wanted in my trials of recovery. My…how I shall I put this…last to third therapist (???) was a good at CBT and helped out a lot on that, but what I didn’t like was how he didn’t seem to take in mind how much God meant a lot to me just because he didn’t believe so much in God (even though he came from a Jewish background. Go figure.) Then if I were to bring up my relationships with guys in how they treat me, he’d kinda get offended, like I was offending him, which was weird. Sometimes, I think back on it, I wished I had switched to another therapist or at least got a female therapist instead.

If you’ve been in an awkward situation with a therapist that doesn’t mean you have to stop going to therapy, but rather change your therapist. I know the change is inconvenient because perhaps your current therapist was better than your previous therapist or it took you forever ever to find the most “decent” therapist. So how do you know if a therapist is right for you? How do you know if they are crossing the line (although that’s what  you do in therapy basically)? These are the things I did not like from my previous therapists:

  • Not Being Sensitive to my beliefs or Background
  • Checking the clock too much
  • Imposing religious, spiritual, political or social beliefs—In this case it was more of social beliefs; not believing in monogamous relationships, recommending me to a dating website (that ended up leading me to my assaulter) when perhaps, as much as I wanted, wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet.
  • Not understanding what I want—When I was an undergrad, I told my therapist I felt something was wrong with me, but he didn’t seem think anything was wrong. Yeah he looked as the DSM 4 (yeah, that was a while ago), but he didn’t give me any tests that suggested I may have had a major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I didn’t get diagnosed with those by another mental health professional–this time a psychiatrist—several years later. This would have saved me a lot of time.

My two new therapists have really helped me out a lot, perhaps in more ways than my previous therapists have. They are pretty much the opposite of the previous therapists… well maybe my third to last therapist did challenge me and did help me learn as well, but what I did appreciate from my latest therapists is that they showed acceptance and compassion. It helps that they don’t just see me as a patient or a patient that they’re using for their counseling degree (most of the therapists I’ve seen are at schools), but as a person too and it helps me (indirectly) learn how good relationships form. So if you don’t have a good relationship with a therapist, then like any other person in your life, you can always leave.

Below are some links that can give you advice on the good traits and bad traits of a therapist whether you meet them in person, online, over the phone  or through text. I hope these articles will prove most helpful for you! At least it will save you more time. I had to learn the hard and long way!

4 Steps to Finding the Right Therapist for You and Your Anxiety

25 Signs of a Bad Therapist: You Deserve Better

Here’s What Makes a Good Therapist: 17 Signs to Look For

How Do I Know If My Therapist Is Effective?

Self Love

Self Love. A poem by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.

Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself, I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, even though this person was me.

Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself, I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.

Today, I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself, I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at exactly the right moment, so I could be calm.

Today I call it CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself, I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm.

Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health…food, people, things, situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.

Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself, I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening.

Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself, I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.

Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide and out of their crashing new worlds are born.

Today I know that is LIFE.


Social Anxiety

I almost didn’t want to buy my dinner today after student-teaching. Not because I DON’T want to cook, but I don’t want to encounter people. I didn’t want to interact with people. The thought of doing it, exhausts me.

Whenever I have to start my day, I have to prep myself for encountering people: what they do and what they say. It helps me develop the energy and mindset to do so. I have a set amount of people I either want to see a period at a time or for the whole day. Or if I’m going to event, then I know that I have to prepare myself to meet a whole ton of people. It may seem rude, but it’s part of living with a chronic mental disability.

I know this is a bit of an oxymoron, but I’m a pretty chill anxious person and there is nothing I can do about separating those parts of me. I’ve tried. It’s more exhausting trying to separate those parts of me, than the actual cathartic symptoms of anxiety and depression. So I’ve learned to choose my battles wisely and chose being kind to myself instead. I chose giving myself healing when I feel stressed. I chose accepting where I’m at with myself.


Image result for AnaCon

This event, AnaCon, happened in February and while I’ve been been meaning to talk about it, I’ve been busy catching up with homework and lesson and all. Attending cons are another form of mindfulness (for me) ! Whenever, I go to cons I like to share the one’s I’ve attended. Though I don’t think I shared last year’s Wonder Con….Hmm…Well…maybe next time.

AnaCon, hosted at the Central Anaheim Public Library, came again for its second year, celebrating its local sci-fi/fantasy authors and comic artists. And of course, no comic and sci-fi conventions would be complete without cosplayers. The 501st Squadron of Orange County was there!

It was fun seeing families and individuals have fun at the event engaging in the activities and cosplayers. Kids taking pictures with R2-D2. I mean, it’s not like it’s the ACTUAL R2-D2 that is used in the movie and you easily find the person controlling it, but just seeing A R2-D2 robot in person is SOOOO cool and magical, you forget all of that, especially when the kids are so excited.

So, the event had a cosplay contest, Sci-fi Storytime with readings, and three panel discussions: “Writing the Future in the Dystopian Present”, “Speculative Fiction Reflecting a Diverse Society” and “The Comic Biz. I attended the “Dystopian Present” and “Diverse Society” panel. The first panel I attended was moderated by Jennifer Brody, CB Lee, Elizabeth Briggs, Lilliam Rivera, Romina Garber, and Stephanie Diaz.

Me with Liliam Rivera (left) and Romina Garber (right)

The second one was on “Speculative Fiction Reflecting a Diverse Society” with Jennifer Bordy, Cb Lee, Jules Rivera, Elana Azose, Gemma Vidal, and Jeff Sweat.

Me, Gem (middle), and Jules Rivera (right)

Me and Jeff Sweat

Me, Jennifer Brody (middle) and Gem (right)

This was my first time attending this event and it was very entertaining! I was fortunate to meet and keep in touch with some the authors…I mean…golly! I’d never think I’d actually think I could befriend an author. Anyway, it was a nice event and if you love books, sci-fi, and comic books, check it out next year. It’s a fun filled event that is free to all people, that I’m sure you, your family and friends will enjoy.

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For Books on the Authors I’ve met:

Jennifer Brody

C.B. Lee

Jules Rivera

Lilliam Rivera

Romina Russell

Jeff Sweat

For the list of the other authors not seen with me in the pictures:

Elana Azose

Stephanie Diaz

Sally J. Pla

Also check out these guys out too (Gem is one you saw me with; Book Bloggers):

Gem In The Rough

What A Nerd Girl Says

If you like to purchase these books, please purchase them via this link. Proceeds go to this website.

Black Panther Rules

Without trying to ruin it, it was amazing! This was decent picture of me watching the film:

Image result for exploding head emoji

I mean…holy crap! I’ve never been…so proud as I have been watching this film. Seeing someone who looks like me, someone who has the same skin tone, and same hair texture like my kicking ass just as much as the white superheroes. Some of them didn’t even HAVE superpowers!


I have NEVER watched Danai Gurira in “The Walking Dead” (I don’t like Zombie movies/tv shows) and from what I heard about her in the show, she was awesome. So I wasn’t surprised…until I saw in the film… What have I been missing?! She incredible as Okeye! Ho-ly crap! The gif above pales in comparison as how she fights in the film! Ugh! I wanted to get back in Kung Fu class again! But I gotta strengthen my herniated back …but dude I wanted to take Kung Fu class again.


Then Lupita Nyongo’….yes…you can look fabulous AND kick ass! She a great actress in most films I’ve seen, but to see how she can fight is amazing. A-MAZ-ING!


Then seeing Letitia Wright make her debut here as Shuri…oh, man! I loved her. Her character was so funny and so brilliant! Again, I wanna say HOW awesome she is, but…I don’t know wanna ruin it for you. But you know what I loved the chemistry between Chadwick Boseman as  T’Challa  and Shuri as brother and sister, will remind you have with your siblings or even the ones that are like brother and sister to you.


The chemistry with cast and even the story line were great! I felt compared to most movies of today, there is so MUCH CGI and “bang, boom!” now days, you forget that movies need a compelling cast and story as you NEED special effects. Especially when they’re superheroes and they much like ourselves have to embrace or they even struggle with their own humanity and weaknesses in order to protect those they love against a great threat. And I felt this movie touched on it very well in addition to you don’t need superpowers to be SUPER.

The Black Panther film has already amassed $111.7 million in sales. See that Hollywood? Yes, black films CAN sell. Minority films CAN sell. There are viewers who want to see people of color on films that represent US. That we’re not just the sidekicks, the funny guy, the best friend, the smart one, the thugs…we can play other roles too and still win hearts and of course, the box office.

If you haven’t seen it yet, I suggest you and I promise you’ll have a “roaring” good time.