Season 13 of Supernatural

Happy Supernatural Day! The poster for the 13th season was revealed today:

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Life After Assault: 2 Years Later (Shame)

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Why? Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep looking my assaulter’s Facebook page? I must be crazy, right? I’m sure you must be wondering why too. If he assaulted me why bother looking at it at the first place? Am I just crying out rape? Hell, no. Do I like him? Hell no. So, am I doing it? A few reasons:

  • Trying to figure out what I missed when I was assaulted by him
  • Practicing “facing” him, in case I happen to meet him again as an Uber passenger or something.
  • Also so I can know where he is so I can avoid him. I know. It’s weird. That’s why it’s called anti-stalking.

I keep thinking back at the time I signed up on “Ok Cupid”, I ask myself, “Why me? Why did he choose me?” What did my picture or my account say that said, “Hey pick this one”? I NEVER said on my account I wanted “sex” on first date or second. In fact when I first put my profile together, it asked me some questions to give potential guys/dates an idea of who I was. Also, I put pics of the various conventions. A lot of guys liked that. But of all things I put was that I wanted something serious. However, regardless of all the requirements I put, there were plenty of guys who wanted to sex on their first date with me. Clearly, they ignored my profile. Hey, at least their profiles were honest.

There was one guy I met online that wanted to date me and I was interested….until I met my assaulter online. He was one of the guys I swiped right to before the other guy asked me out. See, after you put your profile up on Ok Cupid, then based on your interests, your desires in man and where you live, it shows all the guys you might be interested in. Well my assaulter was one of the guys.  I mean (at the time), he was hot and a nerd at the same time (he dressed up as an elf at the Renaissance Fair). That I found rare. Most guys think they’re “too cool” to do be a nerd and cosplay. So I admired this guy’s courage for being himself.  I looked on his profile and one of the things I saw on his profile was that he “working” toward something. He put on this profile he was looking either to train as a paramedic or electrician, but  he “wasn’t sure yet” which career wanted. He was also a pretty chill guy which was (no pun intended) pretty cool. Ugh! You have any idea how hard and annoying it is to meet guys (especially, who take themselves waaay too seriously), only to find out they’re a$$holes, narcissists (which are almost the same thing), unambitious and not that great of a person??? At the same time, I found it admirable that the guy was looking to advance himself, for I too was a woman of ambition and determination and I needed a guy who could match that. Or at least attempt it. I mean…hasn’t there been times when we were all indecisive of what he wanted to be when we grew up? I found nothing wrong with that. Now the other guy who asked me out, started to look less attractive, because I needed someone who wasn’t just attractive and nerdy, but a guy working to better his life, his future. So, I stopped pursuing him. But when I look back, I can’t help to wonder…what if I did date him? Would I have avoided the sexual assault in the first place?

Anyway, fast forward we had a good time over the “Ok Cupid” online chat, eventually we exchanged phone numbers and met in person. Now because it was my first time meeting him, I told him I’d prefer to meet at a coffee shop. He wanted us to meet at his house and was upset at me, because he thought I was thinking he was a rapist. Go figure. I told him, no, but that was what I felt comfortable with. So on the day we were going to meet, I was on my way to meet him at our location but it began to rain and I felt since I was already in his area, why not still meet him. Previously to our meeting he said there used to be in coffee shop, but it was no longer there. Fast forward, I thought we could find a place we could sit at. Nope. He suggested why not we stay at his house? He promised nothing bad would happen and he had games, like “Star Wars Monopoly”. “Well,” I thought to myself, “He seemed like a cool time guy during all the weeks we’ve been talking, why not?” Well… you know what happened. The thing was I was ONLY for making out, not for EVERYTHING else that happened, like when he pulled down my shirt to reveal my bra and then pull it down. He also began dry humping me. Sure it wasn’t anal, but still…I know this is a bit TMI, but because I’ve never had sex before, all that was happening was overwhelming. All the sensations coming over me, but just because I say this doesn’t I like it. Like the moaning. What was that about? I’m a moaner now??? Usually when you think on the word “sensation: usually it’s for something good.

Sen∙sa∙tion:

  1. A physical feeling or perception resulting from something that happens to or comes into contact with the body
  2.  A widespread reaction of interest and excitement.

So, can you imagine what I felt, while this guy didn’t even ask me what I wanted? I wasn’t definition 2. I was definition one. Then then on top of that he made sound like all these things were “normal” part of making out, but it’s still wasn’t I wanted. I just wanted the kissing. Then he insisted we have sex, which I told him “no” to everytime he asked. He got upset, telling me I was a “tease”; that I should at least show him my underwear and so I did, but I didn’t think I was going to be fingered. Even upon writing this, because it’s hard because I felt like such a fool. I wasn’t a sexually active person and nevered pursue it. I knew nothing very much about sex, I was more of the serious relationship person,but he as told me when I was at my house, wasn’t. He “apologized” to me for saying he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, because he was still getting over his last girlfriend, who he told to get an abortion and also, he had a baby mama, who he hated. Though he wasn’t sure why I didn’t want sex. He said I was one of “those” girls (whatever that means), that put their pussy on a high-shelf when it was no different than any other girls’. He told me about a girl he slept and how “whiny” she was, but when she stopped “whining”, she turned away and as she did so, he began fingering her without her permission. Eventually we ended the night, he kissed me (and I too) I enjoyed saying he had a good time. When I returned home, I told my sister the date was nice, but she then looked at my face and said, “Why do you look so sad then?” I insisted I wasn’t and I did have a good time. The funny things in my deepest heart at the time, when I think back, I felt I was defending him. To my embarrassment, I saw him again and it was always same.

My mind was fixed on the sensation, again not because I liked it, but because it was trying to “figure it out”. What did this mean? I’m like that on a normal basis…always trying to understand something to better get a better concept of it. But hey…it’s sex! Who was I to complain, you might say. Dry or not its suppose to feel good, right? Or….that’s at least what society says? Then how come something that’s supposedly suppose to feel to “good” feel so…wrong??? What was this? I didn’t understand? But I…my mind, was caught up by this. He was good. Just bad at realizing when a date didn’t want it. What is this that conflicted with my own values? I didn’t wanna have sex with just any person. I wanted to be someone who I truly loved and who loved me in return. That’s who’d I give it to. If that’s what other people wanted to do—sleep around—that’s their prerogative. I had mine. Besides, I just met the guy. So, if he couldn’t get me to have anal sex, he pushed me to do oral. Ew. No. The thing I hate to admit, is that I can be really naïve. It’s embarrassing and the fact he took advantage of that is upsetting. Sure I don’t know about a lot of the way society works, in this case, sex, but doesn’t give anyone the right to take advantage of me; as in a “show the ropes” in so to speak on how to do sex. It took me a long time to get out of the relationship, but I did. Yes, I can be naïve, but that didn’t mean anyone could diminish my worth.  Just thinking about that reminded me how my mom was still in the abusive relationship with my dad. As a kid, I was always so infuriated why she would stay with him. He would called her “ugly” or “stupid” or a “hypocrite” because she went to church, but comeback yelling all the time. Well, yeah! You try living with an abusive partner, yes I’ll be yelling like mad too! Yes, he’s my dad, but that did not me we should stay so my siblings and I would have a “father” in our lives. Now, I look back at my life, I felt bad being so angry with my mom about that. It’s so humiliating.

I remember hearing how women would check the Facebook pages of the men their dating to see who they really are. I used to think women like that were “crazy”. Now when I think about it, I was “crazy” not to do so.  If I had done so, in the past, maybe I could have avoided the assault.

I’m working on forgiving myself, right now. On not knowing any better. I’m working on being kind to myself. It’s been hard because anything or any guy with even the most finite characteristics of him triggers it. Like the drunk guys I told you I picked up on a previous post, I’m more sensitive than in the past. I mean…I’m losing days driving for Uber, BECAUSE of those two guys, which reminded me of my assaulter. I’m sometimes more worried about being around guys, because I’m afraid they’ll do manipulate me. Knowing (and accepting) how naïve I am makes me nervous. Why should I have to feel bad about being myself? Even the good and bad parts of me? It shouldn’t be used as excuse to take advantage me of regardless. I did not deserve it. Not one bit.

The Loss of DACA

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I have to say, I’m very disappointed at what Congress has done. I feel for the young adults that came here as kids or babies to this country. Yes I get it, they are illegal and they did not come here legally like my parents and many other legal families. However, they too have contributed to society. They are here working hard with their families to help their family survive and make their own dreams come true. I admire anyone with that fire and it’s wrong to kick out someone who wants to do just that. But let’s play devil’s advocate especially among those who see my blog and cry “But wait!”:

  • They came illegally

And??? First it’s not their fault, but it’s not their parent’s fault either. Like any family, you want to give your children the life you never had and a future they achieve.

  • Your parents came legally

Yeah, but it wasn’t easy for them either. My mom too once said that people blamed like her for taking American’s jobs.

  • They took our jobs

No they did not. Major corporations did. They don’t wanna spend money training people. They don’t wanna pay people $20 here for example,  say so assemble a Pocket Pop Key Chain of Castiel of Supernatural (I actually have that with me right now) made in Vietnam, because they can pay workers say, $0.75 . Why? They pay less taxes (they’re overseas) and make more money. In fact according to CNBC, many US companies have made $ 2.5 trillion overseas.   All these big businesses brag about “being” American yet they have outsourced good jobs that could have helped millions of Americans. So might wanna point your fingers at them instead…and the people in congress.

  • They’re Terrorists

Newsflash: You don’t have be an illegal immigrant to be a terrorist. Even if they are, there are bad apples out there! Just because one does harm doesn’t mean all will do harm. I mean you can be native to this country and be a terrorist. Any body remember Timothy McVeigh? James Holmes? Adam Lanza? And those are just to name a few. What happened there (well except McVeigh he was executed)? Don’t see people all white people are bad? Again, good apples and bad apples. Besides, racial profiling, prejudicce is just bad and lazy way (an ignorant one at that) to want identify bad people. Doing that is NOT going to make America safer because of the color of their skin or in this case the status of citizenship. 

  • Trump said he’s going to bring back jobs.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 

We are nation of immigrants. The only people are native to this country are Native Americans and they got displaced in their own home. And saying displacement is an “unrated word” for the horrors they faced in their own home.  Since the founding of the United States of America and making of the song “This Land is My Land” anyone who got a glimpse of this country or heard of it, envised so many remarkable dreams when they arrived and achieved it because of this country. Whether it you came here legally or illegally. Whether you are the first generation to be in this country or the 10th generation…cause at the end of the day we all want the same thing: to follow and make our dreams to come true. 

As an teacher in training and a former substitute teacher and volunteer, I do fear for the kids although they are all still young I have met over the past few years. All of them so smart, creative, funny and I’d HATE to see them deported or treated as criminals in a country they’ve always called home. I would hate to imagine my students horrors and fear in this country. Although, I have not seem them for a while think about them every day as well as fear for them everyday and their families. I would not like anything bad to happen to them.

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For more information on the companies that have outsourced jobs out of the states, click on the link below:

“Exporting America”

“US companies are hording $2.5 trillion in cash overseas”