*trigger warning: suicide*
Suicide…one of those things that you’d never think you or someone else you would do. When it’s someone else (or if you are seen this way), they may appear like they’re happy all the time and the signs are not as obvious. I’m not gonna lie, I myself have felt suicidal.
Last month, I was afraid I was gonna lose my room, because I didn’t know how else to pay my rent. The LAST thing I wanted to be was on the street again living in my car. I felt like a loser, because I was in my 30s and couldn’t provide for myself. I couldn’t find a job for the summer (substitute teaching wasn’t going to return at the district I worked until the end of last month), I haven’t been able to pass or even afford to take my state exam in order to get my teaching credential and now I was facing the possible reality of being evicted and being homeless…again. AGAIN! The thought of being homeless alone after living through it last year was consuming and terrifying. I didn’t want to face finding a place to park at night, only to be forced to park my car elsewhere. I didn’t want to face saving face to show people I wasn’t homeless or lead their prying eyes away from me and my car. I didn’t want to face knowing I had struggle finding a place to shower and/or brush my teeth. I was DONE. I was EXHAUSTED. In my head, I was contemplating how I would take my own life and what I would write to my loved ones. My brother, my sister, my mom… My brother I think would handle my loss harder than my sister. My boyfriend…how was he going to handle it after losing is a family member to suicide? For once thinking for others (because I’m not good at being selfish) actually saved my life. Something inside me told me to contact the Suicide Hotline. I prayed though the person who answered was going to be a good person and they were and they were reassuring and understanding. I felt heard.
The thing is if I had not known to call the hotline, I don’t know if I’d be here writing this. Heck, I felt like a hypocrite. Here I was talking about mental illness and I felt suicidal and so I took a break to get myself together. I had to take time for self care, I had to take time to ask for help. Surprisingly, my dad came through (because growing up my dad never came through for me as a kid financially and emotionally) & helped save my place.
So, here I am opening up to you to share my experiencing of just even thinking about it, in hopes that it will promote awareness and recovery from it. Also to promote a resources for it if you or a loved one may come across such a situation .
***Please be clear, I’m not saying that people who die by suicide are selfish, because I know that the pain of depression and hopelessness are as real as the air we breathe. I’m just saying that my character trait of thinking for others saved my life****